My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.

All the women moaning about finding a husband obviously never had one.

If twitter didn't exist, we'd still have found our way together on the streets, in a psych ward or through the penal system eventually.

I agree to your terms, alcohol. Now make life go away.

I see these women who can do everything, and I think, I should have them do some stuff for me.

Today seems like a good day to sit next to my husband & bare my soul. What time does the game start?

Daughter: Can I see your phone?
Me: Sure, one sec. Logoff, close, logoff.
D: It's just for a picture.
Me: Ohhh, hang on. Delete. Delete.

Did you like sexting better with her? Was her vocabulary bigger? She used caps lock, DIDN'T SHE?!?!?

It's your lie.. tell it however you want.

There's a difference between being bitter and being angry. Bitter ppl are ugly. Angry ppl just need a good fucking and *tada, pretty again!

Note to mom: not all of my heels are fuck me heels, some are fuck YOU heels.

Twitter is a lot like sex. The deeper you go, the better it gets.

Text to hubs: "It's ON tonight!"
Hubs text back: "I'm working late, can you record it?"

And that's marriage in a nutshell.

When I'm drinking and my husband talks to me, he sounds exactly like I imagine an ex-husband might sound.

I'm going back to sleep. I refuse to give up on my dreams that easily.

Stand out & be yourself. But don't be weird. And whatever you do, don't draw attention to yourself. Try to blend in as you're standing out.

I was happily sipping wine & cooking dinner until my husband accused me of getting drunk & setting fire to things.

If you think I drive crazy, you should see how I fuck.

Calling me "angry" is like punching yourself in the face, except I'll do it for you.

If you've never seen Spaceballs, well, shame on you.