@highfiredanger's (samantha lynn harms) most faved Tweets...
Dear Dog Next Door, why are you barking? Please stop involving the neighborhood in your existential crisis. Sincerely yours, STFU.
This Benedryl is helping me feel sleepy, but it's also making me really unsure about whose limbs these are.
I wonder how many serial killer jokes I have to make until people start suspecting something... so, one then?
Most common bumper sticker should actually be "I brake for reasons illogical, mysterious, and clandestine".
Overhead light turned on again by itself, this time at 5am. Do I call an electrician or an exorcist? I'm asking for the demon.
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Sooo excited for the incoming cold snap! The air will finally match the temperature of my cold, black heart!
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It's the ultimate compliment when my cat starts grooming me, it's just too bad that it freaks everyone out so much when I return the favor.
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I wish there were courier services that delivered punches to the face. For all of my long-distance assault and battery needs.
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Quick Tip #2 for Those with a Corn Allergy: If you like a food then FUCK YOU BECAUSE IT HAS CORN IN IT.
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Quick, I think I'm getting sick, so I wanted to ask: when I puke, do I get those Weight Watchers points back?
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"Dentist-inspired cupping action." Really, toothbrush marketers? All of you are robots and didn't laugh at that before it went on TV?
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I wish I had a mug that made the Mac OSX startup sound when I poured coffee into it. Because that's exactly what it feels like.
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