I taught my kids to be strong-willed, outspoken, assured individuals. Which is good. Except at bedtime; at bedtime it fucking sucks.

Taught my teenager how to take off a bra through her sleeves today, but I can't find the page in her baby book to document.

I saw on the news that Neil Armstrong died, and Snooki had a baby boy. Today seems like a good day to stop believing in reincarnation.

I don't understand not wanting healthcare even if it's tax-funded. My 4 yo DD had a severed finger reattached and it cost $7. FOR PARKING.

An important question to ask yourself before choosing someone to parent with: Would this person have your back in a gang-fight?

Of course French children are better behaved. If I drank Merlot at noon I bet my kids would seem like angels, too.

Over 80% of my parenting choices are made after considering what my parents would do, and then doing the opposite.

I won't hate you for being rich, and I won't hate you for being privledged. But I will hate you for looking down on people who aren't.

Since having children, 89% of my time post-8pm is spent shaking my head and mumbling "for the love of Christ..."

I want to write an article called "Hidden Dangers That Could Kill Your Children" and then just make a list of everything, ever.

Parenting makes me feel like the most loved horrible person in the world.

Please get your God out of my underpants.

I could be a much nicer person if other people weren't such assholes.

I nursed a toddler, and he did not stand on a chair. He wrapped his legs around my head and shoved goldfish crackers in my ear.

My Myers Briggs type is "STFU."

Trying to put a sleeping bag back into it's storage sack is like trying to un-birth an elephant.

@robdelaney How about "Sausage Coffin?"

Sitting in a bowling alley bar, forcing people to make eye contact while I eat nachos.

Super Easy One Minute Cake in a Mug:

1. Buy a cupcake.

2. Jam it into a mug.

Found recipe for a detox shake and once I subbed banana for the kale and chocolate ice cream for the coconut water, it's pretty palatable.