"So it's like Running Man." − every guy after listening to his girlfriend describe the premise of The Hunger Games

I hope Tony Romo turns things around this season. Specifically his hat.

"...but instead of the" — a woman ordering food

"What the people want is more receipt!" — President of CVS

"I'm proud of all the Twitter followers you've accumulated." — none of our parents

Kristen Stewart always looks like she farted and woke herself up.

Some say honesty is the best policy. But I like the one where cooks have to wash their hands after touching their dicks.

I bet MC Hammer let's people touch it now for like 5 bucks.

“I hope this isn’t an intervention.” − me before entering most rooms

"I dunno, an Italian flag with a bunch of shit in the middle." – Mexican flag designer

I like that after all those jokes about their food, airlines were like, "Fuck you. No food for anyone then."

"...a little bit smaller...smalllller" — gym towel manufacturer

Dear black guys, Thanks for taking all the fat ones. Sincerely, white dudes.

I live in fear of my coworkers asking me if I know their names.

Every time a girl says "I have nothing to wear," a homeless man loses a tooth.

That movie Finding Forrester would've been better if it was about two lesbians looking for their Subaru.

"I wasn't born yesterday." — aborted baby

No one gets more easily distracted than

“I want it to cut stuff, but not well.” (butter knife inventor)

I'm in good shape considering salsa is the only vegetable I eat and the only exercise I get is opening jars of salsa. #salsa