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Being an uncle is super easy. Hold the baby for 20 mins, everyone thinks it's adorable, & then it's all "PEACE OUT, HOMIES" & go eat pizza.
Just caught the garter at this Texas wedding. I think this means I'm the sheriff now...
Drought schmought. I've had my sink on for 3 days straight and it hasn't stopped once.
All work and no pay makes Jack an intern
Bud Selig: The only man who always wears a suit and never looks dressed up.
"You've got to pay the troll toll if you want to get in the boy's hole."
Assholes never commit suicide. They think too highly of themselves. I'd rather be sensitive, introspective, and sometimes hate my own face.
My milk says it expires today. IS THIS SOME KIND OF JOKE???!!!
So... Who did we elect to pick up all these leftover campaign signs?
GF: I need to not eat for a few days so I can fit in my slutty Vegas dresses.
Me: I need to to not eat for a month so I can fit in society.
Donated 10 bucks and took the Taco Bell challenge last night. I survived. Minimal farts. Wouldn't recommend it.
You ice bucket me, I will ice pick you.
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