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After the kids the wife and I start to put on lbs. She started weight watchers, went to gym 5 days/wk and did pilates. I untucked my shirt.
sex with me is like eating grapefruit for breakfast- never takes long, you're never truly satisfied and you knew some might get in your eye.
I think the Platypus has to be natures cruelest joke.... other than fat girls with small tits, of course.
Asked the wife for anal- she said she'll be the only one fucking an asshole in this house.
I assume every time you get a ToTD, there's someone there to take pictures and ask you who you are wearing.
Don't bother wondering what your husbands top 10 fantasies are, you're only in 2 of them...and in 1of those you're not the only girl.
Hey Mayans, didn't your world end in the early 18th century? Betcha you didn't see that one coming.
A good movie has a happy ending. A great movie has multiple happy endings..... and a donkey.
Twitter is for people that always suspected there was more to being funny than quoting movies.
Every time I run over a Pedestrian I'm always all *be a sasquatch, be a sasquatch*.....never is.
Sure sign she is cheating----- You never have sex, but she always makes you sleep on the wet spot
Dad said when he was young he had sex 2 times a day. I said "then you got married?" Mom yelled from the kitchen "no, he got out of prison"
Great way to tell who's unfollowing.. Send your followers dick pics by DM every morning. If you can't DM anymore, they unfollowed. Assholes.
Just ignored a call from the wife. Its ok 'cause i texted her back "can't talk- driving".
My brother was killed last night on his way home from work. He left behind 3 daughters and a son. Hug your loved ones and please drive safe!
I wish somebody would have told me that seductively eating a banana in the mall doesn't work for picking up girls.
The greatest poets of our time sure knew how to rhyme the shit out of Nantucket.
Your Mom said "wear clean undies in case of an accident".... mine said "make sure your hooker's of age in case of an accidental OD"
As funny as you guys can be, A 7 yr old saying "Mom! I forgot to tell you -I need 24 cupcakes for school tomorrow" Is fucking hilarious.
I find the idea of Twurder way more exciting than Twittercide
if you don't like my self defecating sense of humour. Maybe you will get my rapist wit.