Carpe Scrotum. Grab life by the balls!

If your girlfriend goes down on you while humming the theme to Star Wars whilst pretending your dick is a lightsabre... she's a keeper.

GOOD NEWS! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier.... not pregnant!

If you were a good friend, you'd take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes...

There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil

I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.

My body is being held together with wine, nicotine, electrical tape and a little bit of hope...

I'll be there in 5 minutes. If not, read this again.

I soberly give you permission to do that to me when I'm drunk.

My only expectation is honesty. And 3 orgasms every time.

So when you pull your dick out, just so you know, making the 'pew pew pew' sounds of laser blasters totally gets me hot.

Take a minute and think about the 1st time you realized he/she was it for you. Take that feeling and make the effort to relive it everyday.

Pretty damn sure this chick in the Wal-mart is only a heartbeat above a blowup doll.

Question: Masturbation - how much is too much? Because I'm thinking I might be tip-toeing a very fine line...

Your lack of response clearly proves you have forgotten how crazy I am

Your instinct is a powerful weapon. If something feels wrong, it probably is. If it feels right, let it lead you.

Men: If she's wearing pigtails, be sure you properly utilize them. Thank you.

Level of my singleness: Drinking beer, eating pizza and watching tv topless by myself on a Saturday night. That single.

As I'm folding my laundry, I realize how much of a geek I truly am defined by tee shirt collection alone. My panty drawer says otherwise...

Well, if we're passed the bullshitting stage - yes. If not, then no, I'm not that type of girl.