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Take your shiny silver shirt back to whatever future you came from and advise your fashionistas that this office just isn’t ready yet.
The only god I believe in is the one who helps rappers win video music awards.
"I'm just a boy.. standing in front of a girl.. asking her to love him.. long time."
“How’d you get that mark on your forehead?” “NOT from sneezing and banging my head on my desk while picking up an M&M. Definitely NOT that.”
Fresh batch of college interns have arrived. I’ve been assigned my own little cutie to take under my wang. Yes, I meant “wang”.
If you’re still using a payphone in this day and age, I’m going to assume you’re either an adulterer or a displaced time traveler.
Everyone, let's slow traffic to a crawl and watch the man change his flat tire. Our passing empathy is what he needs right now.
The next woman to ask me what I do for a living gets an earful of my Amway pitch. And a fantastic deal on water purifiers.
Last night’s steamed dumplings are certainly living up to their name today.
“How do you know you don’t like candycorn if you’ve never tried it?” “I’ve never tried penis either but somehow I JUST KNOW.
Time to mess with the ex-girlfriend and change my facebook relationship status again. Head games, 2.0.
Try explaining the plot to Star Trek: The Motion Picture to your ladyfriend when all she wants to do is have sex. So frustrating.
De-listed AND un-followed? On Friday the 13th? Well, somebody’s eager for me to shrug uncaringly.
Bumped into Prince Harry outside the Burger King on Delancey. One of us was wearing a paper crown. Awkward...
To hot IT chick: state your intentions before crawling underneath my desk. Next time I won’t be so hasty in unzipping my pants.
Guess who stood behind me as I read an email regarding a “surprise baby shower for the boss”? Yup. Gary from receiving. I don’t like him.
Boss is on maternity leave & I'm working from home. Don't know why I'm still looking over my shoulder at a cardboard cutout of her in labor.
Another night coming home without a roofie slipped into my drink. C'mon ladies, step it up!
Some of you rely on your kids for the funny & some of you - your pets. I have Smitty, my oven mitt. Say 'hi' Smi.. no? Ok.
wingman extraordinaire, friend of the show, not Puerto Rican
