If you've become so fat that you have to grocery shop in a motorized scooter, it's time to go on a diet kids!

I'd like to smack the stupid fuckers that leave a car length between them & the car in front of them in the drive thru.

Trip to the grocery store = 6 bottles of wine & 2 boxes of Girl Scout Cookies.

Just because you're over the age of 60 doesn't give you the right to drive like an asshole!

I can't believe Dr. Phil is still on the air. His 15 minutes was up LONG ago.

You're probably not as cool as me.

Just watched Anthony Bourdain eat a warthog's anus. Think I might hurl!

Pro Tip: if the automatic toilet flusher doesn't operate, there's a handy little button that can make it happen. Flush the toilet fuckers!

Acai Berry Vodka = tasty indeed!

If a guy can't manage to take a piss without getting it all over the floor, I'd bet his skills are lacking in the sack as well.

Twitter + treadmill = dangerous. Yet, opportunity to work on those multi-tasking skills...

<flying off treadmill>

OMG! it's raining in WA State. Pedal to the right fuckers!

It's called personal space. Either you back the fuck up or risk me shoving my foot up your ass!

To all the crabby fuckers out there: lighten the fuck up!!!

Whatever doesn't kill you just makes you wish you were dead - Teresa Strasser

The gym can suck it tonight. I'm staying in & having a beer instead.

My boss @trialfemme ROCKS!! Child returned to grandma this morning! What a week...

Lots of swearing from the husband this evening. Angry Birds are getting the best of him!

Why is it that shopping makes me dream of kicking the crap out of inconsiderate people? Beginning to think home delivery is a better option.

To the VERY large woman texting & crammed into your Ford Focus - You are welcome to GET THE FUCK OFF MY ASS at anytime!!