When you die you get to meet all the hiring managers who passed you over and they apologize

They should offer morning after pills in the shape of Dorothy from Golden Girls and call them "Plan Bea." You're welcome.

DID YOU KNOW? All 5 US presidents with beards were Republicans. Also, all 5 current US Senators with "beards" are Republicans.

"You sexy singles get the hell out of my area!" --old man on the Internet

I don't check Facebook very often, you guys. Please use email or text to notify me of your Candy Crush achievements.

We can eat gyros

Just for one day

A crazy end to a mind-boggling week. Boston, it's Miller time!

Am I the only one who sees Chainsaw and Dave?

"Always Be Clothing!" -Glengarry Glen Ross Dress For Less

"Ronald Reagan!" --Scooby Doo, asked to name the lead singer in Steely Dan

WAYS TO KILL 2 BIRDS W/ 1 STONE
1 Ricochet
2 Retrieve, rethrow
3 Line up birds precisely
4 Huge boulder
5 Use lovebirds, 2nd dies of grief

Saddest words you'll read today: "an entire class at school unaccounted for."  http://bit.ly/Z5Hx7u 

Drunk Nate Silver counting out exactly five hundred and thirty-eight french fries at McDonalds, then slowly dipping 206 of them in ketchup

A great way to get laid tonight is to claim to be a regular ref.

I would have gotten up to hug Michelle after her speech but my boner... #DNC #DNC2012

If Where's Waldo and Carmen San Diego ever got married, finding that wedding would be hard as shit.

Pasta lovers can now plant a spaghetti tree in order to reduce their carbonara footprint. #FactsWithoutWikipedia

if you say 'beer can' with a British accent, you're also saying 'bacon' with a Jamaican accent.

IT'S FIVE O'CLOCK SOMEWHERE! re: taking off my bra

So imagine what every 17yo boy is saying to their girlfriends tonight? #raptureSaturday