Hey Oscar Wilde, you were born 130 years too early. Gay is in and twitter fits your wit perfectly. You'd probably get a TV show.

Follow rules: Attractive women, you need only be semi-literate or vaguely funny. Fellas you need to be brilliant and hilarious.

It's hardly ever good if a guy named Vigo comes looking for you.

If someone starts a conversation with "My friend", they're not.

We should honor our elders, but don't let them drive.

I hate to brag, but I got kicked out of 3 high schools, and now I have a beautiful wife, a song in my heart and a pool in the back yard.

I got my wife some pasties and a g~string for her birthday. Oh, and a new frying pan. She hit me with it.

Turns out her soul mate was a heel.

I'm that blue dot in a Jackson Pollock painting.

Hey Arizona. Even Wyatt Earp had a "no guns in town" policy. Tell the Clancy boys.

Also, avoid Lao Tzu. If it's not one thing it's ten thousand.

I'm so far off the radar, it's sonar.

I really wanted to make a big difference for good in the world. So I bought a bunch of colored ribbon and plastic bracelets. All better.

The other day I saw shit rolling uphill. Not all the way to the top of course, but enough to piss off Sisyphus.

I trained my cat to lie down in a specific spot by placing the most important papers I own in that spot.

I know it's sexist, ageist, politically incorrect, ignorant and crass, but I really miss the Swedish porn star stewardesses.

There are some things you can't fix in post production. Like...your life.

Pretense and ambition stripped away, Don stood naked in front of the mirror gazing at his image and fell back in love with his wife.

Excuse me, Tony Robbins. You've a whole Porterhouse Steak stuck between your teeth.

I think I'm suited more for anti-social media.