It's pretty cool how they only make television shows about swamps now.

I've been using old spice body wash for a week and literally none of that crazy shit from their commercials has happened, wtf?

Describing a food as succulent is a good way to make me feel extremely uncomfortable while eating it.

If I had to pick a favorite childhood memory it'd have to be the time I lived in a mall food court for a few months.

You'll always be a part of me now two pound novelty burrito. Always.

Apparently I have a migraine or as big kids like to call it, a headache.

I call this move the Jonathan Taylor Thomas. *hides out in a basement for several years

Thanks for coming over, I grew you this ficus as a parting gift. Please leave now.

Going on a bro date with @colormescradd . We're going to wear denim and do all sorts of other crazy shit.

Paid for one bag of chips from the vending machine & got two! This is the best day of my fucking life!

Cowboys sure do love the shit outta tucked in shirts.

Going to a party tonight, I hope my chin doesn't look weird.

Put your pants on two legs at a time by sitting on the edge of the bed. Look how special and different you are now!

Say what you will about Detroit but their public television channel is informative and relaxing to watch when you're high.

Picture the Incredible Hulk masturbating. Haha ok, enjoy the rest of your day.

Just going to start calling motorcycles bro ponies and see how that goes over.

I drew you a picture of a ninja turtle doing yoga because I'm turbo romantic and stuff.

Is it a massage chair or a comfortably disguised robot punching your back? You'll never know for sure.

Unless your belt buckle has an engraving of a pony spin kicking an elderly cowboy in the dick, I don't want to see it.

This lady keeps making eye contact then giving me an upwards head nod. Does she want to fight or arm wrestle or something?