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My girlfriend is leaving me because because because because becaaaaauuuuuuuuse she says I'm obsessed with the Wizard of Oz.
My girlfriends dad said If you ever hurt her I will kill you. Unlikely I said, I've got a small cock & she has an asshole like a hippos yawn
People who find a Tweet funny but dont Retweet or Star it probably come from an only child family and give shit gifts at christmass.
Every time anyone tweets something inspirational, a fairy gets ass raped by an evil unicorn.
Hugh Hefner having sex without viagra must be like piercing a capri-sun with an earthworm.
If vibrators could catch and kill spiders, I'm pretty fucking sure my girlfriend really would leave me.
Fun fact • Pineapple juice is just orange juice made from pineapples.
I ate so much food my arse just delivered an after dinner speech that made my fucking eyes water.
My cum face looks like a fucking stroke victim trying to whistle.
Me and my girlfriend are into S&M. ....She Sleeps and I Masturbate.
what do we want?
A cure for obesity!
When do we want it?
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto "ah-ha-ha-ha-" intro to Stayin' Alive
Twitter has NEVER unfollowed anyone for me ever. So if you got unfollowed, it was by me.
P.S. You were shit.
I wish my girlfriends pussy was as tight as some of you cunts are at giving out stars.
My super power is the ability to melt ice with my mind..
I love all you guys. Except for you, you're a cunt.
I dig a hole in the sand at the beach and take a fucking shit in it, but i like to drop a penny in first. B/c.. metal detecting cunts!
Happy New Year everyone... I know it's early but I suffer from premature congratulation.
FUCK YOU, AND YOU.
Not you though, I fucked you already.
If anything I've said or retweeted has ever offended you, please let me know.. That shit really makes my fucking day.