My girlfriend is leaving me because because because because becaaaaauuuuuuuuse she says I'm obsessed with the Wizard of Oz.

My girlfriends dad said If you ever hurt her I will kill you. Unlikely I said, I've got a small cock & she has an asshole like a hippos yawn

People who find a Tweet funny but dont Retweet or Star it probably come from an only child family and give shit gifts at christmass. 

Every time anyone tweets something inspirational, a fairy gets ass raped by an evil unicorn.  

Hugh Hefner having sex without viagra must be like piercing a capri-sun with an earthworm.

I ate so much food my arse just delivered an after dinner speech that made my fucking eyes water. 

Fun fact • Pineapple juice is just orange juice made from pineapples. 

If vibrators could catch and kill spiders, I'm pretty fucking sure my girlfriend really would leave me.

Me and my girlfriend are into S&M. ....She Sleeps and I Masturbate.

what do we want?

A cure for obesity!

When do we want it?

After dinner!

My cum face looks like a fucking stroke victim trying to whistle.

Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto "ah-ha-ha-ha-" intro to Stayin' Alive

Twitter has NEVER unfollowed anyone for me ever. So if you got unfollowed, it was by me. 

P.S. You were shit. 

I wish my girlfriends pussy was as tight as some of you cunts are at giving out stars.

I love all you guys. Except for you, you're a cunt. 

My super power is the ability to melt ice with my mind.. 

I dig a hole in the sand at the beach and take a fucking shit in it, but i like to drop a penny in first. B/c.. metal detecting cunts!

Happy New Year everyone... I know it's early but I suffer from premature congratulation. 

FUCK YOU, AND YOU.
Not you though, I fucked you already. 

If anything I've said or retweeted has ever offended you, please let me know.. That shit really makes my fucking day.