Valium cupcakes should be a thing.

If you're gonna be a brown-noser, use a little tongue while you're down there.

The hardest part about quitting smoking is not getting to smoke anymore.

I don't think people are picking up on my sarcastic stars.

i hate inteligent tweets where i have to google the words like "you are shit" and "i hate your tweets"...fucking winds me up

Your shoes look like alligator snouts

Wanna come over so I can throw an axe at your head?

Its ok to cry if you're a guy. Just use your penis to wipe them tears.

Relationship status: SLOW DOWN AND LET ME OFF THE HOOD OF YOUR CAR, BITCH!!!

im sure theres stuff outside...

If you want to experience the magic of A, E, I, O and U occurring in order in a single word, become more 'facetious.'

Those people over at Xbox seem to be pretty committed about us being idiots.

Drinking game where u take a drink whenever u drink

I don't even know who all these tits in my phone belong to.

IKEA is Swedish for “where married couples fight.”

One man's trash is another man's wife.

Fact: Girls with "Broken" or "Disaster" in their Twitter name are gonna try to put stuff in your butt.

I'm not a premature ejaculator, my dick is just being spontaneous.

Do mermaids smoke seaweed?

I got banned from the local bowling alley for inappropriately fingering the balls.