I'll resume tweeting about boys now

Honestly if you're going to have draconian, oppressive standards, the least you could do is enforce them so I don't look paranoid for nothin

#WhenISeeAObamaBumperSticker I stomp around angrily and my skin gets one shade whiter

I am about to take the biggest L of my life on this exam forreal

@hoonlives95 FUCK FICK FUCK IT WAS MY LAST DAY BEFORE RETIREMENT

"okay ACTION. and... cue sack" the cast and crew laugh politely. john cusack's directorial porn debut "fuck anything..." begins shooting

Guys, my amazing girlfriend got me my first ever Sox jersey for my birthday. I've wanted one for years, it's nice to finally have one.

my name is ｊｅｓｕｓ ｃｈｒｉｓｔ，catch me on a holy day ｐｏｓｔｅｄ ｕｐ ｏｎ ｔｈｉｓ ｂｉｇ ａｓｓ ｃｒｏｓｓ

k my after-dark twitter is @boobytoucher123. feel free to add it, don't care as much about privacy as shielding y'all from SEX TWEETS

im popular, online pic.twitter.com/cswpGRqRDJ

I want you to whisper "horse waifu" to the first animal you see

After Miller pointed out that women are the largest demographic of people contracting AIDS, Ford said 'they are sleeping with bi-sexual men'

why is it called a "driveway" if that's where we park, and why is it called a "parkway" if that's where we hold illegal karate tournaments

Mom this is my boyfriend Dan he brought you some Robert Mondavi Reserve Merlot can he sleep over

*northeastern bro voice* All we are saying, is give fleece a chance

conservatives: THEY'RE EVERYWHERE!
- traffic signs that say "keep right"
- answer correctly "ur right"
- do an awesome kickflip "right on"

*shrugs* what can i say? I'm a fan of the punk rock band @smashmouth

#JayZProblem 28/99 Can never remember password to rich person’s internet.

I love the song Sucker by Self but one of my worst mistakes was googling "Self Sucker" to try and find a video for the song

LOL @ graduating from college in 4 years