I always find the worst in a person. And then fall in love with it.

Ooh, nice boobies. Oh. It's a man. Still. Nice boobies, bro.

I made people laugh tonight. Can't remember why, but defenitely sure it was with me and not at me.

I'm scared the people I know in real life actually read my timeline.

I took my boyfriend out for icecream. If that doesn't make him happy, I don't know what will.

It's so nice to have real imaginary friends. I'll set the table for all of you and print your avi's on the place mats.

Fuck love. I just need someone to feel comfortable with.

It's not that I'm lost without you, but more like my search ended in you and now I don't know where to go.

Yes, my clothes may be wrinkled and covered with hair, but I could say the same thing about your body.

Sometimes I star a tweet and think "oh god, I hope they're not going to take me up on this".

Your boyfriend bought you flowers for no apparent reason and that's the highlight of your day. He's probably cheating on you. Buy your own.

My dreams are haunted by a nasty woman who robs the places I visit in my dreams and poops in my cabinets.

I'm never sure whether my cats like me or want something from me. Same goes for people actually.

I'm not alone. I have mirrors and cats.

I feel naughty starring pervy tweets while sitting next to my mom.

No bruises after the weekend means I didn't have fun. Just like no aching after sex.

Hey Twitter, go fuck yourself. And get drunk and high. And eat bacon. And do all this while you're farting your way up on the toilet.

Why is obsessively staring at the TV socially accepted while playing around with your phone is not? Ok, I'll look at the tv occasionally.

Dear addicted friend: I love you. Please stop the rehab-crap, it only reminds me of how much funner you are when you're on it.

Sometimes the hardest way is the easiest way. So I burned a cd and going to deliver it, instead of giving a computer crash course.