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To the ants that keep crawling in my freezer and dying: THIS IS WHY YOU WILL NEVER BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY AS A SPECIES.
" I fell off the wagon so you know what that means...I'm riding wagons again." - #angelobowers
"I'd like to think I bring a lot to the table."- Waiter during a job interview.
"He went to Jared."
"Do you think he is going to propose?"
"No, Jared is his secret gay lover. Our relationship is over."
If you don't want me to be sexually attracted to your emu, don't call it an exotic pet.
It's hard to devote time to my craft when I have to spend 23 hours of my day convincing myself it will all be OK.
My girlfriend and I are so different. I love Chinese food, and she thinks Jesus is coming back.
I call smoking sections Coughy Shops.
I was bit by a Nintendo and had to get a tetris shot.
A man on rollerblades smoking a blunt with a cat on a leash. LA, have I told you I love you today?
Muse is playing the Star-Spangled Banner and people just lit a tent on fire in the crowd. #poetic
Today, a coworker I've never spoken to asked me which Madea movie was my favorite. I told her the one where she eats her kids.
Spent the whole day at the dog park and boy is my butt sniffed.
Just burned my nose! I really need to stop drinking coffee this way.
My ideal career would be Local Non-Union Commercial Actor Astronaut Jouster.
Comedian. Producer of LA's only true Comedy and Dance Party, @CRAVEshow. Funny or Die Top 15 funniest comics to follow. #Witstream