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"I'd like to think I bring a lot to the table."- Waiter during a job interview.
I want to be "never re-wears socks" rich.
Million Dollar Idea: Chik-Fil-B. ONLY open on Sundays.
I get so livid when I find a typo in an otherwise brilliant tweef.
I'm having a "Don't worry you'll be dead in 40 years and none of this will matter" type of day.
You don't need a selfie stick. You need a friend.
Don't be ashamed of your past. Be ashamed of the person you've become.
I only know one side effect of drugs: Being rad as fuck for 2-6 hours.
If you truly want your Fourth of July to be authentic, skip the BBQ and just murder a British Person.
Always the pallbearer, never the corpse.
Remember before Facebook when no one knew you were depressed because you didn't constantly mention it? Let's go back to that.
Walking Dead Spoiler: It's actually Ebola and set only 2 years in the future.
I see about 200 homeless people a day that look exactly like me.
I'm in CostCo on a Sunday. Tell my children I loved them.
I wanna thank my dog for trying to get me through my Writer's block by continually farting in my general direction.
Got an audition for "Not healthy looking guy."
It's really nice to have a manager who truly gets me.
After reading the entire CIA Torture report the most troubling punishment was forcing Detainees to walk through IKEA with their spouse.
Richard Simmon's Son. Also @CRAVEshow. Funny or Die Top 15 funniest comics to follow. #Witstream
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