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"I'd like to think I bring a lot to the table."- Waiter during a job interview.
If you truly want your Fourth of July to be authentic, skip the BBQ and just murder a British Person.
Always the pallbearer, never the corpse.
Walking Dead Spoiler: It's actually Ebola and set only 2 years in the future.
I get so livid when I find a typo in an otherwise brilliant tweef.
The voices in my head are having a really loud party and it sounds fun but I wasn't invited so I called the cops.
If a fireman loses his job do they say he was extinguished?
To the ants that keep crawling in my freezer and dying: THIS IS WHY YOU WILL NEVER BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY AS A SPECIES.
I asked one of my coworkers to write down all 50 states from memory. She wrote down 18, including Detroit.
" I fell off the wagon so you know what that means...I'm riding wagons again." - #angelobowers
Considering how easy it is to rent a boat and a gun, I'm amazed they aren't more pirates in this country. Step up your game America.
Shout out to all the parents who have to pretend to not be completely embarrassed by their kids lame hobbies.
I said that wrong. I'm matter.
I hate when you have figured out the perfect wording for a tweet but when you type it all out you run out of room with only 3 letters to fin
"He went to Jared."
"Do you think he is going to propose?"
"No, Jared is his secret gay lover. Our relationship is over."
Richard Simmon's Son. Also @CRAVEshow. Funny or Die Top 15 funniest comics to follow. #Witstream