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To the ants that keep crawling in my freezer and dying: THIS IS WHY YOU WILL NEVER BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY AS A SPECIES.
" I fell off the wagon so you know what that means...I'm riding wagons again." - #angelobowers
"He went to Jared."
"Do you think he is going to propose?"
"No, Jared is his secret gay lover. Our relationship is over."
"I'd like to think I bring a lot to the table."- Waiter during a job interview.
If you don't want me to be sexually attracted to your emu, don't call it an exotic pet.
I call smoking sections Coughy Shops.
My girlfriend and I are so different. I love Chinese food, and she thinks Jesus is coming back.
I was bit by a Nintendo and had to get a tetris shot.
A man on rollerblades smoking a blunt with a cat on a leash. LA, have I told you I love you today?
Muse is playing the Star-Spangled Banner and people just lit a tent on fire in the crowd. #poetic
Spent the whole day at the dog park and boy is my butt sniffed.
Just burned my nose! I really need to stop drinking coffee this way.
My ideal career would be Local Non-Union Commercial Actor Astronaut Jouster.
Phew! Had an erection last 3 hours 59 minutes. That was a close one.
If you combined Frasier and The Wire, that's basically my life.
I cried during Sister Act again.
It's hola? I've been saying holla. No wonder no one at this Mexican grocery store will talk to me.
Comedian. Producer of LA's only true Comedy and Dance Party, @CRAVEshow. Funny or Die Top 15 funniest comics to follow. #Witstream