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New Law: If you want to be a cop, you're not allowed to be one.
"I'd like to think I bring a lot to the table."- Waiter during a job interview.
Million Dollar Idea: Chik-Fil-B. ONLY open on Sundays.
I'm having a "Don't worry you'll be dead in 40 years and none of this will matter" type of day.
I get so livid when I find a typo in an otherwise brilliant tweef.
If you truly want your Fourth of July to be authentic, skip the BBQ and just murder a British Person.
Always the pallbearer, never the corpse.
Remember before Facebook when no one knew you were depressed because you didn't constantly mention it? Let's go back to that.
Walking Dead Spoiler: It's actually Ebola and set only 2 years in the future.
I see about 200 homeless people a day that look exactly like me.
After reading the entire CIA Torture report the most troubling punishment was forcing Detainees to walk through IKEA with their spouse.
The voices in my head are having a really loud party and it sounds fun but I wasn't invited so I called the cops.
I give the gift of laughter every day so don't expect a Christmas present.
Flavored Semen: You can't cum plain.
I hate when you have figured out the perfect wording for a tweet but when you type it all out you run out of room with only 3 letters to fin
If a fireman loses his job do they say he was extinguished?
To the ants that keep crawling in my freezer and dying: THIS IS WHY YOU WILL NEVER BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY AS A SPECIES.
I asked one of my coworkers to write down all 50 states from memory. She wrote down 18, including Detroit.
Richard Simmon's Son. Also @CRAVEshow. Funny or Die Top 15 funniest comics to follow. #Witstream
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