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"I'd like to think I bring a lot to the table."- Waiter during a job interview.
I want to be "never re-wears socks" rich.
Million Dollar Idea: Chik-Fil-B. ONLY open on Sundays.
I get so livid when I find a typo in an otherwise brilliant tweef.
I'm having a "Don't worry you'll be dead in 40 years and none of this will matter" type of day.
You don't need a selfie stick. You need a friend.
Don't be ashamed of your past. Be ashamed of the person you've become.
I only know one side effect of drugs: Being rad as fuck for 2-6 hours.
I didn't let the dogs out however I do support their freedom.
If you truly want your Fourth of July to be authentic, skip the BBQ and just murder a British Person.
Always the pallbearer, never the corpse.
I believe the children aren't the future.
Remember before Facebook when no one knew you were depressed because you didn't constantly mention it? Let's go back to that.
Walking Dead Spoiler: It's actually Ebola and set only 2 years in the future.
I see about 200 homeless people a day that look exactly like me.
I'm in CostCo on a Sunday. Tell my children I loved them.
Check yourself, engine.
Richard Simmon's Son. Also @CRAVEshow. Funny or Die Top 15 funniest comics to follow. #Witstream
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