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"I'd like to think I bring a lot to the table."- Waiter during a job interview.
If you truly want your Fourth of July to be authentic, skip the BBQ and just murder a British Person.
I get so livid when I find a typo in an otherwise brilliant tweef.
If a fireman loses his job do they say he was extinguished?
To the ants that keep crawling in my freezer and dying: THIS IS WHY YOU WILL NEVER BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY AS A SPECIES.
I asked one of my coworkers to write down all 50 states from memory. She wrote down 18, including Detroit.
" I fell off the wagon so you know what that means...I'm riding wagons again." - #angelobowers
Considering how easy it is to rent a boat and a gun, I'm amazed they aren't more pirates in this country. Step up your game America.
Shout out to all the parents who have to pretend to not be completely embarrassed by their kids lame hobbies.
I said that wrong. I'm matter.
"He went to Jared."
"Do you think he is going to propose?"
"No, Jared is his secret gay lover. Our relationship is over."
Confession: I use my dog for his unconditional love.
If you don't want me to be sexually attracted to your emu, don't call it an exotic pet.
So it's ok for you to pick up and kiss my puppy but when I do it with your baby it's weird and you call the cops? Women are strange.
Richard Simmon's Son. Also @CRAVEshow. Funny or Die Top 15 funniest comics to follow. #Witstream