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"I'd like to think I bring a lot to the table."- Waiter during a job interview.
I want to be "never re-wears socks" rich.
Million Dollar Idea: Chik-Fil-B. ONLY open on Sundays.
I get so livid when I find a typo in an otherwise brilliant tweef.
I'm having a "Don't worry you'll be dead in 40 years and none of this will matter" type of day.
You don't need a selfie stick. You need a friend.
Don't be ashamed of your past. Be ashamed of the person you've become.
If I die in this Del Taco drive thru please move my body to a Taco Bell. I appreciate your understanding in this matter.
I only know one side effect of drugs: Being rad as fuck for 2-6 hours.
I didn't let the dogs out however I do support their freedom.
If you truly want your Fourth of July to be authentic, skip the BBQ and just murder a British Person.
Always the pallbearer, never the corpse.
I believe the children aren't the future.
Remember before Facebook when no one knew you were depressed because you didn't constantly mention it? Let's go back to that.
Mom, you promised to pay for my college. What happened?
Ask your father. He's the one who HAD to get the guacamole on his burrito.
Walking Dead Spoiler: It's actually Ebola and set only 2 years in the future.
Richard Simmon's Son. Also @CRAVEshow. Funny or Die Top 15 funniest comics to follow. http://www.hoopercomedy.com
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