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"I'd like to think I bring a lot to the table."- Waiter during a job interview.
If you truly want your Fourth of July to be authentic, skip the BBQ and just murder a British Person.
Always the pallbearer, never the corpse.
Walking Dead Spoiler: It's actually Ebola and set only 2 years in the future.
I get so livid when I find a typo in an otherwise brilliant tweef.
After reading the entire CIA Torture report the most troubling punishment was forcing Detainees to walk through IKEA with their spouse.
The voices in my head are having a really loud party and it sounds fun but I wasn't invited so I called the cops.
I give the gift of laughter every day so don't expect a Christmas present.
Flavored Semen: You can't cum plain.
I hate when you have figured out the perfect wording for a tweet but when you type it all out you run out of room with only 3 letters to fin
If a fireman loses his job do they say he was extinguished?
To the ants that keep crawling in my freezer and dying: THIS IS WHY YOU WILL NEVER BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY AS A SPECIES.
I asked one of my coworkers to write down all 50 states from memory. She wrote down 18, including Detroit.
" I fell off the wagon so you know what that means...I'm riding wagons again." - #angelobowers
It's raining, it's pouring, the old man is snoring because he has a serious respiratory infection but that's ok let's make a song about it.
Me: How about a car wash but for people?
Girlfriend: That's called a shower.
Girlfriend: These have not been your best 24 hours.
If you ever confront a dangerous animal in the wild, remember he wants to party with you just as much as you want to party with him.
Chivalry is not dead but it is on life support and there is a guy with an Ed Hardy shirt ready to pull the plug.
Richard Simmon's Son. Also @CRAVEshow. Funny or Die Top 15 funniest comics to follow. #Witstream