Funny, this warrant doesn't feel so outstanding.

Don't ask me to say your name during sex. Its sex. Not a pop quiz.

Short distance relationships don't work either.

I hate when my friends are like "hey do that thing" and I whip out my dick and tie it in a pretzel knot and they're all "no the other thing"

Alcohol is the glue that holds together the broken people.

Never fuck with a twitter gang guys. They'll stare at their phones and tweet SO hard guys... SO fucking hard.

I can only party like it's $19.95

Remember when "I'll make her a mix tape" was the answer to all relationship problems?

I bet a talking GPS strapped to a squirrel would have a mother fucker of a time recalculating.

You're the most beautiful woman that I ever wanted to fuck a few times with no future commitment.

Her mouth didn't feel fat or ugly.

The fuck did storm troopers wear after labor day?

She said she only married me for my dick. Ironically its also the only thing I get to keep in the divorce. I'm calling it a win.

Soon to be ex wife won't mow the grass at our house I no longer live in. Says I need to do it. Front yard will say "whore" after 9am stop by

Apparently batman doesn't carry any lozenges in that belt.

Set the bar a little higher and try blowing my mind instead.

Some of the most brilliant things written on here will never be read because their handful of followers never retweet them.

When I die I want all my closest family and friends there. Standing in complete astonishment as to how stupid that thing I just did was.

When a woman says "I can't even tell you how upset I am right now" just wait 3 seconds.

My sense of humor is bigger than your dick.

There's a good chance my dick is bigger than your dick too, but that's not my point right now.