"The louder the fucking cell phone call, the stupider the fucking conversation."

—Aristotle (Metaphysics, ca. 350 BC)

Tell you what, Twitter: maybe I'll "grow my presence" if you grow your command of transitive verbs.

If you want to learn what someone fears losing, watch what they photograph.

Well, at least we can all agree there's no impossibly complex issue that can't be solved by yelling at strangers in very short paragraphs.

Last tip:

If your Pearl compiler is returning "null," doublecheck your registry's INI programs.

You may have an expired demo of Assembler.

"Messages quit unexpectedly".

Mm. No, it didn't.

I can assure you it quit more expectedly than any piece of Apple software I've ever used.

I’ve alerted Li’l Ryan that B2W please would like the April offer code “turnsout”.

Thanks for the suggestions, jackals.

Are hardworking Americans most fed up with cynical false dichotomies, canny non sequiturs, or obvious trick questions?

EXACTLY.

Obamacare.

Joining a Facebook group about creative productivity is like buying a chair about jogging.

BREAKING: Messy withdrawal presses up-and-comer (and former head of handhelds) into gobbling up top RIM job.

Which is definitely not funny.

USER: I want your new burger.
DEV: It isn't cooked yet.
U: So what?
D: It's literally raw.
U: Gimme.
D: OK.
[later]
U: You DICK–This is RAW!

They just put up a new Fuddruckers next to the old Otis Spunkmeyer.

It's nice, but it's no P. Cockington Cumfelcher's.

I LOVE their wings.

Toilet paper rolls should be equipped with a blinky red light to let you know when they're almost empty.








Sent from my iPhone

Google is the middle-aged doofus—dying to feel alive.

Google+ is the vapid tart on whom he'll blow it all.

His new Ferrari? Drives itself.

One night, this Safeway cashier will get home, I'll be in her kitchen, and we'll work our way through all MY observations on HER groceries.

On the other hand, "what doesn't kill us" may not really have been trying all that hard, so maybe don't get too cocky about your "strength."

Here's the thing:

If you value what's said on Twitter, archiving is essential.

If you don't value what's said on Twitter…why are you here?

Turns out, you can make a random observation sound insightful by preceding it with, "Turns out."

Honestly? There's only one way to have a *truly* secure file:

Never create it.

Many see profanity as vulgar, uncreative, and beneath them.

So, it's lucky they've left it to the fucking pros who can rock that shit hard.