Hey moron with the Ford Focus, the only reason someone would steal your piece of shit car is to run it into a wall to silence the alarm.

I miss the days before cell phones, when I would just stare aimlessly at the wall while going to the bathroom.

Does it count as belly dancing if your belly jiggles when you walk?

In my experience, people that are named Richard are usually dicks.

Whatever doesn't kill me.... had better start running.

Somewhere there is a mini troll sitting on a pile of socks, without matching pairs, rubbing his hands together, and laughing wickedly.

Sometimes all it takes is a smile from someone to change your life. Unless of course that smile is toothless, then that's just gross.

The more Lifetime Movies I watch, the more suspicious I become of everyone in my life.

Any restaurant ending in a-Rama, is a diarrhea party waiting to happen.

Some people are afraid of old age. I'm going to embrace it, by going braless and tucking my boobs into my pants.

Am I the only one that thought Choco Tacos were something completely different than ice cream???

If ear wax was a condiment, I'd be a millionaire.

Every time I hit the snooze button, I have a moment of silence for the person that invented the snooze button.

I miss hanging my younger siblings by the neck with the phone chord. Stupid growing up, and stupid technology.

Sometimes I wish I was a spy, so that when people catch me watching them outside their windows, I could flash my spy badge at them.

Why the hell would I run somewhere when I can drive there.

Life is never what you expect, that's what makes it exquisitely and painfully beautiful.

I probably need glasses. But, then I'd have to actually see all the weird shit people do nowadays. Soo, nope.

People that say money doesn't talk, obviously have no money and are full of shit.

You are never to old to construct a blanket fort.