How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

If you say 'gullible' really slow it sounds like 'orange.'

“‎Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life.” -Steve Jobs

Reasons why "Boob" is such an appropriate word. http://t.co/Zo1xHzBx

My friend @superamit has leukemia & needs bone marrow from someone of south asian decent. Please help spread the word! http://t.co/QX4CPbXO

I think America really missed the boat on afternoon siestas.

What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college?

Bison.

How do you organize a space party? You planet.

Halloween or Williamsburg? Brilliant. http://t.co/mUdd2kWi

My string cheese just told me that it takes a week to make a jellybean! what!

Search "do a barrel roll" on google.

What did the fisherman say to the magician?

Pick a cod, any cod.

I know you shouldn't run away from your feelings but I could really use the exercise today.

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?

Fo' drizzle.

Driving with friends through a tunnel gives you carpooltunnel.

I've never seen scarface, but I like to imagine when Al Pacino says "say hello to my little friend" that he pulls out a baby hedgehog.

Also, more grandmas should be on @instagram so you could say "you gramin'?" and the answer would always be yes.

Me: I'm an open book.
Him: A hard to read book. Big words. Tiny letters. Never any pictures.

Hands down the worst family photo EVER! http://t.co/1dJ0Eu9s

How do you find Will Smith in a snow storm?

You look for fresh prints.