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Cop pulls me over
"Do u realise how fast u were going?"
"OH MAN,U WERE LIKE ＮＥＥＡＷＷ"
*cop runs off holding imaginary steering wheel*
*An Icelandic cop knocks on a door* "Mrs Jónsdóttir? There's no easy way to say this. Your husband fell into the volcano Eyjafjallajökull."
⊂(・＿・ ) RETWEETED
| ● ● | MY
＼ ＿＿ ／ RETWEET
BREAKING: All mental health issues solved after man in st. tells sufferer to "cheer up". "Why the fuck didn't we try this?" ask baffled docs
Knuckle tatts: P-L-A-N A-H-E-A
The Grammar Nazis burst in. "We know you're harbouring Jews, Mrs Gies"
"There ain't no Jews here!"
"Double negative! Search the attic, boys"
*segways into tavern* BARKEEP, YOUR FINEST WIFI PASSWORD.
"Fucking immigrants!" -AndyInSpain
"This countrys fucked" -ExpatSteve
"They should fuck off home" -CostaDelBarry
"What's irony?" -BritAbroad
"K don't stick ur dick in a man's butthole"
Girl are you my punishment for building that illegal hydroelectricity plant? Because you are dam fine.
My New Year's resolution is *removes sunglasses* 2048x1080. I'll explain. *perches on desk* You see, the word 'resolution' can also refer t
I'm living the dream. I'm naked at school and all my teeth are falling out.
"Don't worry, Mary. As soon as we get home I'll tear this place a new arsehole on TripAdvisor," Joseph whispered softly.
We're closing down abortion clinics because the Bible says all life is sacred.
*wipes out Afghan wedding in misplaced drone strike*
"Doc, I feel grouchy and my head turns 360 degrees."
"Sounds like irritable owl syndrome."
*doctor spontaneously combusts*