New video by @jennamariecarey and I. Beginning music by @martypeercy. http://t.co/JohGGCv2

@iamtaminelson @dreamfantasybat
Scanner cut off part of a word on the right side, but the draw-ring is there :) pic.twitter.com/b84JWdawqf

Sitting next to @jennamariecarey in an acting class and she keeps writing tweets about penises instead of watching the performances.

"...yeah, and, uh, a beautiful amount of mountain dew. A BEAUTIFUL amount.. Eh, just, like, a medium. Oh, and please don't spit in my food."

@jennamariecarey Jenna, I hope you stay forever young. I wish you the best. I know you'll make it.

Babe yer my sweet onion fruit. Sent from the lord.

I don't want to sound like an ignorant American, but there are some delightful little brown people in India who are great at serving me.

Once, I tweeted to tell the world that i'm not a Veronica Mars fan. Then, I realized I should do a painting about it. Then, I just stared.

Missed our flight out of Mexico yesterday because @aaronwaltherr screamed, "I'm an international super terrorist" at the airport #customs

This year I'll be voting for Matt Grompley--AKA Grap Omlet--just because he's such a beautiful man.

The world is a stage and Shakespeare was a sage, but who invented the reason for everything to be so boring lately?

Tension without release is a crazy comedic mechanism. But rapid release is idiotic. You've gotta massage the audience delicately.

I like starting any order I place at any fast food drive-thru with: "Uh, yes, may I have one of your finest..."

Fellas, don't you hate it when you like a girl but she's like, "Uh, i'm your sister" Then she keeps saying that and y'all never have sex?

@jayhub23 Josh, I don't want you to struggle like I have

I too can this

My main goal in life is to not get butt worms.

My co-worker to me: "I'm gonna put a Do Not Resuscitate bracelet on you & slit your throat. Then we'll see whose laughing." Laughed so hard.

Tweet Tweet, y'all. I'm Tweetin' these tweeters! http://t.co/voBWyDrr

Did that art show with @jennamariecarey & @martypeercy. I came for the cheese and stuck around for the cheese. Left when the cheese ran out.