Roses are red. Violets are blue. I have a gun. Get in the van.

Took my gf to a comedy club last night. Well, not really a comedy club. The book isle in walmart where snooki's book is. Man we laughed.

Fyi if you leave your phone at the bar overnight expect dirty pictures to be sent to "mom cell" because fuck you.

Never fails, that minutes after I suit up in Carhartt's, I gotta go

Saved a bunch of money on my car insurance, by lying, and saying that it's in storage.

You star something on twitter, then you check how many other people did on Favstar, then you look around confused, then you think of boobs.

My boss is such a douche! If i want to show up with a bottle of listerine and wear sunglasses indoors that's my business. Whatever, fucker.

I'm gaining unfollowers, I'm doing this right?

I hate it when i don't lock my office and im all "what's up" when my boss walks in when I'm crushing a pill and i can't feel my face or legs

I'm wearing blue today to match my balls.

Haven't been able to brush my teeth in a couple days. So, I'm almost ready to go to wal-mart.

Pretty good engineering in Super Mario

No I will not turn down the beastie boys while you run my registration.

this military surplus magazine only has foriegn surpl....ohhhhhhhh

Someone tried to steal my identity once. WHAT A DUMB ASS!

Nice try V8, I don't do Roman Numerals.

I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by eating a shit ton of food so i won't be so drunk later!

I am so talented. I can work 12 hours a day 7 days a week and STILL smother a woman.

I think I finally understand how this whole organized crime, waste management business works.

You guys, i found the clitoris! I put it in a jar for later.