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I hear you like bad girls
I've used the word 'fuck' in 5...now 6 tweets
(Don't tell my mom. She'd hate knowing she raised a thug)
Piss me off in the grocery store and I'll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
You deleted me off of your friends list.. What's your next idea of revenge? Throw a marshmallow at the back of my head?
My reality show is called "So You Think You Can Find Your Fucking Shoes Before We Leave For School?"
Plz allow me this one.
In 2 weeks, I start full time in one of the top 5 neurosurgery ORs in the country.
Ten years ago, I was homeless.
I have friends who walk anywhere that’s less than two miles from their house. If I could, I’d drive from my living room to my kitchen.
♬ Get to Mordor runnin' / Hobbits on the highway! ♬
i wouldn’t say i have a “nemesis” but there is a coinstar machine that fucked me over to the tune of $8 so i kick it every time i’m in there
My ex must be a magician, because she always makes my good mood disappear.
I would never jump in front of a bullet for someone..If I have time to jump they have time to move the hell out of the way.
The guy who installs Time Warner Cable could shit in your living room on the way out and it would be the second worst thing he did to you.
If you want to get the Republicans back to work just tell them that gay people and women are happy
my 2 year old found my stash of muscle milk. hes now too large for his crib and wont stop benchpressing and tanning in the yard. send help
CHILL WE NOT EVEN CALLING THEM SANDWICHES ANYMORE. NOT AFTER THIS FUCKING FIASCO. NOW THEY BREADBOOKS.
You call it bipolar, I call it keeping our love alive in a variety of new and exciting ways.
You guys, I have a confession...
Billie Jean is my lover and the kid is my son.
*moonwalks away while maintaining eye contact*
Spilling a full beer you've paid for is the adult equivalent of letting go a balloon.
I could unjumble my thoughts before we fight, but I prefer to just throw them at you like an open bag of snakes.
You don't look like 200 likes in person
I am NOT the girl your mother warned you about. Her imagination was never this good.