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Whenever some religious nut follows me on Twitter, I DM them "I love Jesus, too - he was the first gay man in history!" Always works.
Oh, so now it's "gay" to lick peanut butter off a man's penis? Come on. It's PEANUT BUTTER, for Chrissakes!
The suburbs are the cultural manifestation of not wanting to know how the sausage is made.
It's weird how practically everybody has a secret crush on me but totally acts like they don't.
If Jesus's last words had been "Dying is easy - COMEDY'S hard", he'd probably still be remembered today.
My life goal of getting fatter with each passing year is coming along swimmingly. It's all about focus and commitment, people.
Anybody else ever forget what food's supposed to be and accidentally eat at Subway?
I could never be true friends with anybody who was worried about what pre-school their kid got into.
I'm kind of insulted that no one's ever said "You're better than that" to me.
Lady at Petco asked if we wanted to have our dog's picture taken with Santa. Told her we're dog owners, not fucking cat owners.
I'm not a hater so much as I refuse to love shit indiscriminately.
When you're in your 40s, all guys in their 20s look like douchebags.
I wonder how many people in the late'70s/early '80s moved to Dallas 'cause they thought it'd be glamorous & realized it was a lump of shit?
Celebrated Earth Day by fucking a gopher hole. Man, I'm really not looking forward to Mother's Day.
Half ham sandwich, half pituitary gland, all robot