If you're a man, and you know a little guy without a dad, you fuckin better help teach him how to be a man. No excuses

I have 7 feelings: Whiskey, bourbon, scotch, gin, tequila, hate, and fuck you

Newbies: Don't worry about ppl who unfollow. You don't lose followers, you weed out weak fuckers who don't deserve to read your awesomeness.

Men: Part of our job is leading women away from sadness, & to happiness. Don't matter how, just fuckin do it. Ur job is done when she smiles

"Did you hear that!" - My dog, every fucking 5 minutes.

Something blowjob. Xanax. Sob story no one gives a fuck about. Porn. Booze. I'm a whore! Someone love me! - Now you've read every tweet ever

Remember when everyone wasn't a victim & life was just tough, so you either sucked it up & got thru it or, I don't know, died or something?

You have 3K+ followers, follow 100, and you're asking for help for more followers? Listen motherfucker, and listen good. Go. Fuck. Yourself.

Adult Trick-or-Treating:

Walk around ringing doorbells & everyone gives out a shot of booze or a bong rip to each other.

Make it happen.

99% of your problems could be solved with a punch in the face and a weekend in jail

Go make a woman smile. Women are magical, amazing gifts to the world and they deserve to be cherished and appreciated. Don't fuck around.

Hands are the best bras

Dear female orgasm.......will you just hurry the fuck up already

You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.

If I don't offend you, I hope one of my retweets do. Fuck you

Midgets shouldn't be allowed to smoke cigarettes. Sends the wrong message to kids & confuses the fuck outta adults, at least from a distance

My story in 140: Drugs. Parents divorced. Locked up. Turned life around. Went to college. Graduated # 1. Got a great job... Own. Your. Life.

What the fuck is a YOLO and can I shoot it?

I just retweeted someone with 100 followers, then someone with 10,000 followers. Point is, JUST FUCKING RETWEET FUNNY SHIT!

Dear People Who Call Me From An Unknown Phone Number: You have a better chance of reaching infinity than you do getting me to answer