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Your baby is ruining my life
I only brush the teeth that people can see...which is none, because smiling is a sign of weakness.
My girlfriend told me that my Tom Petty obsession is getting out of hand, but I won't back down on this one.
No I won't
I really wish a taco truck would break down in front of my house.
2 months ago I drove a stranger to the hospital who had been drugged & raped.
Today they arrested her attacker.
I'll fucking drink to that
You had me at "fuck you".
I'm just here for the life advice from alcoholics.
Bacon will never break your heart
The fact that people still give out Favstar trophies makes me question evolution.
Why do people like st00pid Juddy suddenly?
People are still giving out Favstar trophies?
Friday night's are perfect for cleaning guns and watching cheerleading competitions on TV.
Think of me as the
Condom that floats by while you're
Swimming at the beach
[Daughter points at a star]
"Dad, what do you think is going on where that star is?"
Well that star is probably dead and life is meaningless
How appropriate would it be after every time Michael Sam sacks the QB, he does the *jerk-off motion.
"Woa, that's a lot of words" I think to myself as I don't read your tweet.
Happiness is: Watching someone trip up the stairs.
I need a mentor. Preferably one that does drugs and drinks a lot.
"I never said all that shit."
SHALL I TRANSLATE MY TWEETS INTO STUPID FOR YOU?
Cynical, sarcastic asshole, and I'm fine with it, so piss off. I do not like you and I never will. Deal with it. Fuck you.
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