Behind every tweet is a real person that I would really like to punch in the face.

8yo Kid on street: Its dangerous to smoke cigarettes.
Me: Its dangerous to talk to strangers who could crush your tiny head with one hand.

Every time someone says “hi” to me I wonder if they’re making an accusation or just saying hello.

I'm Never too wasted to fire up a chainsaw.

All horoscopes should just say, "Get your shit together."

If I can’t come back next time as something that breathes fire then the whole reincarnation thing is bullshit.

Almost had an inspirational Tweet but it was just gas.

These @'s have proven that our educational system isn't working.

Inspirational Tweet:

Everyone doesn't deserve to be happy. Some of you are actually pretty big fuck-ups and a burden on your family.

We go together like fuck and you. 

Axl Rose: Where do we go?

Me: Left

Axl: Where do we go now?

Me: Straight.

Axl: Oh, where do we go now?

Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!

Stop flavoring whiskey. Its supposed to taste like "oh my god my mouth is on fire and I feel like the hulk now."

I think I say, "fuck this bullshit" about 42 times every single day. Bullshit never stays fucked.

Bath & Body Works is my favorite place to fart in.

When you're feeling down your twitter friends will be there for you...to laugh at you. Cause some of us assholes think that shit's funny.

If I actually treated others how I wanted to be treated, I would spend all day giving random strangers blowjobs.

Kid: is this a boy or girl dog?
Me: seriously?! It has a BONER!
Kid's dad: this is why we never invite you over.
Me: IT HAS A FUCKIN BONER!

When I was a kid, we ate peanuts and wheat and didn't wear helmets and there were winners and losers and we walked to school. Fuck today.

There should be a wiki page describing what an idiot you are.

The left side of my brain has nothing right, and the right side has nothing left.