Guys who like to talk about wine probably jerk off with their pinky up because if you're gonna be a failure, might as well go all out.

One drink per order?! If God didn't want me to order two drinks, he wouldn't have given me two hands. Who the fuck are you to defy the maker

Ladies,

If you don't look and feel sexy walking in those heels, here's a small hint...

DON'T WEAR THEM FUCKING HEELS! THE FUCK?!

People who spell their name Jen instead of Jenn obviously have no understanding of the English language. Get yourselves together, sluts.

You're lonely. This could be considered troubling, but we've read your tweets and understand why. It's entirely your fault. You suck, loser.

You know you drink a lot when the bartender asks you to call ahead next time so they can stock up.

YOUR OPINIONS OF MY TWEETS ARE SO INTERESTING. PLEASE CONTINUE TO SHARE THEM. FUCK YOU.

A school is having a toy gun buyback program because this country is filled with people who are absolutely dumb as fuck. Suck on my shotgun.

It's not abuse when it's discipline.

Friend: I think I've reached the point where I don't care about anyone or anything anymore.

Me: What do you want your Twitter handle to be?

Reason # 3,141,592 why I'm a terrible person: Can't stop laughing at life coaches killing themselves. Worst. Coaches. EVER!

Adult Trick-or-Treating:

Walk around ringing doorbells & everyone gives out a shot of booze or a bong rip to each other.

Make it happen.

I really gotta stop converting so many lesbians.

Just used the word esophagogastroduodenoscopy in conversation so fuck you.

Remember when everyone wasn't a victim & life was just tough, so you either sucked it up & got thru it or, I don't know, died or something?

Coworker: Do you ever feel bad for...

Me: Let me stop you right there. No.

If you're a man, and you know a little guy without a dad, you fuckin better help teach him how to be a man. No excuses

I punch techno fans to the beat of their own music because reckon ya gotta keep it simple for dem stupids.

Dear Shitiots,

I will tweet, retweet, @, follow, unfollow and do a whole bunch of other shit without your approval. Deal with it. Fuck you.

Ha haha! @the_sculptress loves me and NONE of you. Rainbow Moonbeam representing, true. Fuck fuck fuuuuuuuuck YOU!