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"Beer before liquor, never sicker. Liquor before beer, never fear. Champagne before and after Whiskey, boy are you a fucking idiot."
One thing I WILL do before I die is figure a way to effectively express my extensive hatred for the Chili Peppers in 140 characters or less.
I am SO sober I just remembered the phone numbers of my entire 4th grade class.
A huddle of cops? A gaggle of cops? A grouping of cops? How about a ring toss of cops? A smattering? Dollop? Flock? A clusterfuck of cops?
Million Dollar Idea: Pizza sandwich burrito. But it needs to happen THIS afternoon.
So let me get this straight...all I need to do to get a buncha trophies and stars is talk more about penises and vaginas? Got it!
You know you're having a stupid hangover Sunday when everything you almost tweet is even too stupid for Twitter.
More shocking to me than a man jumping from space, zombies already in Florida, or tomatoes being a fruit, is that Corey Feldman is 41.
I'm having one of those weeks where I expect to pull into a church for no good reason only to find the entire cast of LOST waiting for me.
Watching The Dark Knight Rises trailer and am sufficiently wet. THANK YOU Mayans for factoring BATMAN into your end of times calendar.
Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Vodka Blah Blah Blah Blah Tonight Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Vodka Blah Blah Blah Yeah I know I said it twice. Blah.
People really still care about 'Twilight?' I honestly thought when Joan Jett cheated on that chick, THAT would be the end of things.
Favstarfucker: I COINED IT!!!! I COINED IT!!!! BACKOFF INTERNETZ I FUCKING COINED IT!!!!
IF I'M 10 DAYS AWAY FROM BEING MAYOR EVERY GODDAMN DAY THEN I'M NOT REALLY 10 DAYS AWAY FROM BEING MAYOR, NOW AM I?!?!?
Some lying bastard fuck piece of retarded shit just said it was only Tuesday. Ass lying face for shit. Ass.
You spend your whole life collecting friends who can help you through the toughest parts of your life. Choose at will. Filter wisely.
Squeaking through life, 140 characters at a time.... http://t.co/YUXb7uBj
