You think your life is hard? Just think, there's a turtle out there that has been flipped on its back and it can't get up Fuck your problems

Ironic how I waste my life in the living room.

My "O face" is the same as my "what the fuck we are out of milk, but I already poured the cereal" face.

Australians, do I have the koalafications to visit your country?

Eating clocks is probably the most time consuming thing you could ever do.

Mom: ARE YOU LOOKING AT PORN!?!?

Me: *closes twitter* YES I WAS.


That was a close one, you guys.

If I was a cat, I would be all like "move bitch I'm doing cat things"

Sorry I'm really bad with names when I don't want to fuck you.

"I CHOOSE YOU! VODKA!"

-Alcoholic Pokemon Trainer

Saw a Justin Bieber CD taped to a wall. You better believe I took it, you never know when you will need a piece of tape.

I need nocturnal friends...or an owl. Actually, yes I want an owl fuck people.

Text: hey how are you? :)

Sext: hey how are you? ;)

The only time I feel like a twitter elite is when I'm on Facebook.

Yay-Z is like Jay-Z but more excited.

❒ Single ❒ Taken ✔ likes check marks.

If you don't yell "FOR AFRICA!!!" every time you have a nice warm meal, then you are the reason they're starving.

Twitter: the only place you will ever see a trophy and a pimple argue.

"I'm not the jealous type"

-the jealous type

Fuck bitches, get puppies.

Kill the original green hoodie and the rest will die.