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I feel uppity walkin into Walmart with all my original teeth.
I just shit in my cat's litter box because she drank out of my cereal when I wasn't looking. Don't test me
Just ran over a baby rabbit. Now crying in the car #LikeABoss.
If you don't know Sam Elliot, you've never seen #Roadhouse. If you've never seen Roadhouse you're allergic to gluten.
We can't survive a zombie apocalypse without Twinkies
"Fuck you bitches, I'm out!"
- me to my bosses just now.
under my breath once I got inside my car
Do girls still like being called "sugar tits" or is my dad bullshitting me?
My Ambien/Kolonopin combo finally kicked in, weird green giraffe inside my phone.
Last day of the month. DO NOT TRY TO GO IN WALMART TOMORROW
So glad I don't shit when I sneeze
I just made some Alfredo sauce that'll get you pregnant
Who can step on the most Legos barefooted #RejectedOlympicEvents
If I had SpongeBob's voice I'd be bangin all the hoes
12:00 - made resolution to not masturbate in 2013.
12:04 - tossed towel in laundry and made different resolution.
Did P Diddy ever take care of his money hangin out the anus issue?
Took my bitch to the crab shack.
Bitches love crabs
Just called my wife a sleep farter and she loved it! *gets stabbed*
Just shit myself stretching for the remote. I made a vow that I would not peel myself off this couch today
I bet Kid Rock smells just like you'd think he would
ΦβΣ Ace, Bacon Activist, Howard Stern henchman, UK ALUM, MBA, Sallie Mae dodger, #UK #BBN