There was something I liked about him but he spent it.

I just found my roommate's suicide note. She spelled "miserable" wrong.

College was the most expensive nap I ever took.

My mouth keeps auto-correcting, "Good morning" to "Get the fuck away from me."

Why hasn't anyone invented alcohol that acts as birth control too?

How cute of my mother to try and follow me on twitter.... BLOCKED

I just found out that Twitter is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people...

If homosexuality is a disease, I am calling in lesbian tomorrow.

All my friends who have boyfriends want to be single. All my friends who are single want boyfriends. As for me, I just want a slave.

The best part about being 24 is having 24 year old boobs.

'My boobs fall to the side when I lay down' is the new 'my boobs are real.'

Don't hate me cause I'm beautiful. Hate me cause I fucked your boyfriend.

I love when people tell me to go fuck myself because that's my favorite thing to do.

As I lay down naked with the window open, I think to myself how happy I am that none of you fuckers know where I live.

Alcohol only hurts me because it loves me.

I just dropped my BlackBerry! This must be similar to how mother's feel when they drop their infants.

I put the master in masturbate. Trust me, it's there.

Is that a candy bar in your pocket because I'm on my period...

My birth control: Swallowing.

I was just approached by a homeless man. At least I know I'm someone's type.