Who wore this dress the best? @kimkardashian pic.twitter.com/7imlrPwU09

Happy Cinco de. (Hold the mayo.)

If ONE more person says "May the Fourth be with you" I'm going to cut their dick (where applicable) and/or nipples off

4/21. Happy National Surprise Drug Test Day!

"I'm on a boat" -Boston bomber

Obama sent poisonous ricin in his mail.

Professional Obama: "We have a national problem on our hands."

Black Obama: "I got haters yo!"

When google mocks me by saying "Do you mean _______??" when I misspell shit, it makes me want to staple two kids together.

I think North Korea should consult a doctor, because their missile has been in the upright position for more than 4 hours.

Seriously the next person to call me psycho is getting stabbed to death

Anyone know any rap songs about bitches and money?

I'll never be an athlete, but give me a phone with 1% battery and I can make NFL running backs jealous of my agility.

I feel so violated when my iPhone sends green text messages

I've never seen a dog being so fucking riduckulous! pic.twitter.com/Ayu3uGpVkh

Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies is the main reason I have anger issues.

If you don't $ub$titute money $ign$ for the letter "S" I don't know how you expect me to think you're a $wagged out thug??

Does it not look like @kimkardashian is giving birth to a huge pill? I can't tell which hole she'll push it out of.. pic.twitter.com/5ea2TJShI1

Whenever I feel down, I just remember that @kimkardashian is fat.

Ok, "pregnant" but she must be having triplets.

Whenever a girl doesn't tell me she's on her period and we fuck, I just keep yelling "IT BIT ME! HOLY SHIT YOUR VAGINA HAS TEETH!"

Guy: *Sneezes*
Me: Bless you!
Guy: *Sneezes*
Me: Bless you!
Guy: *Sneezes*
Me: Go to hell. Now you're just being a fucking douche.

I better get at least a handjob if you poke me on Facebook.