Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
Twitter takes me places I've never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
Auctioneers are proof white guys could rap if they tried hard enough.
I had this one night stand, and the next morning I felt so guilty I bought another one for the other side of the bed.
"It's complicated" is just code for, "I'm willing to cheat."
My favorite kind of cheese is cake.
Just got off the phone with my mother. She called about 35 years ago.
I've been taking my Flintstones' vitamins daily, but I still can't start a car with my feet.
A unicorn walks into a bar. *clink*
If you don't like me, we probably can't be friends.
Don't forget to tell a depressed person to snap out of it today. That always works.
Plastic bags are just urban tumble weeds.
I'd watch The Real Housewives of Twitter.
Not to brag, but I still fit in the same locker they shoved me into in high school.
Before Twitter I would just shout this stuff at strangers as they passed in front of my house.
Donating all of my emotional baggage to a church yard sale.
I wish God hadn't hidden all of my talents so well.
I've set the bar so low, I just keep tripping over it.
It's like ten thousand followers when all you need is a life.
Go ahead and add static to the list of charges against me.
I want to make a font joke, but I'm just not bold enough.