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Twitter takes me places I've never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
Auctioneers are proof white guys could rap if they tried hard enough.
I had this one night stand, and the next morning I felt so guilty I bought another one for the other side of the bed.
"It's complicated" is just code for, "I'm willing to cheat."
My favorite kind of cheese is cake.
Just got off the phone with my mother. She called about 35 years ago.
To catch Ebola you must first learn to think like Ebola.
I've been taking my Flintstones' vitamins daily, but I still can't start a car with my feet.
A unicorn walks into a bar. *clink*
Monster drinks are just regular drinks that like hiding under your bed.
If you don't like me, we probably can't be friends.
Don't forget to tell a depressed person to snap out of it today. That always works.
Sometimes it takes 3 or 4 days to finish a thought.
If you hilarious people will stop tweeting, my slightly above average tweets will stand out more.
I'd watch The Real Housewives of Twitter.
Plastic bags are just urban tumble weeds.
I just want someone who will be honest with me when I ask them how my butt looks in these jeans.
Not to brag, but I still fit in the same locker they shoved me into in high school.
Before Twitter I would just shout this stuff at strangers as they passed in front of my house.
Donating all of my emotional baggage to a church yard sale.
World Dishwasher Tetris Champion '96
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