I'd watch The Real Housewives of Twitter.

Donating all of my emotional baggage to a church yard sale.

"It's complicated" is just code for, "I'm willing to cheat."

Little did he know, but that never stopped him.

The trick to eating with chopsticks is to use a fork.

Shopping cart manufacturers have to use one bad wheel by law.

A coffee maker is my favorite appliance that's also a person.

I'm pretty much a ninja at nothing.

The love is coming from inside my coffee mug!

Religion is the worst thing that's ever happened to Christianity.

The path forward is not lined with anger. Leave it behind.

I don't really have any opinions that are humble.

The truth is out there. Way, way out there.

I've set the bar so low, I just keep tripping over it.

Nothing like a beautiful DM from a friend to remind you it's quality, not quantity.

Dreams Reloaded

Reports of my failure have been greatly under-exaggerated.

My favorite kind of cheese is cake.

I'm an over the ear headphones kinda guy in case you were looking for someone to make babies with.

I avoid drinking because I don't need any more confidence.