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I know I'm super manly because one time a group of lesbian lumberjacks took me under their wings and taught me how to be tough.
When I die, sprinkle my ashes in a portapotty. That way the world can continue shitting on me, even though I'm gone.
The only time I've ever been chased by a pitchfork wielding farmer was when I snuck onto a cornfield and tried to suck a scarecrow's dick.
I love people who like the same sports team as me, and hate those who do not. I am a man, and this is a completely rational thought process.
I'm sorry I upset your mom when I called her 'hippo butt', but she should learn how to take a compliment. Hippos have very nice butts imo.
Obi-Wan Kenobi using the Jedi mind trick to make Leia Snapchat him pictures of her butt.
I'm trying to turn up, but I have really bad asthma and my mom forgot to pack my inhaler in my nap sack.
Hi. I'm Eli Manning. I enjoy petting zoos, shopping carts that look like race cars, and eating crayons.
Hollow out a breadstick and play it like a flute in order to impress that special server at The Olive Garden.
I currently have four Duran Duran CDs in my car. Please don't cyber bully me.
*chews on the end of a Dutch Masters cigarillo and adjusts my fedora*
Wouldn't it be cool if Macklemore rapped about popular internet memes?
Yeah, girl. I totally want a handjob, but my mom needs a doctor's note that says you don't have the AIDs before you can touch my ding dong.
All I want for Christmas is a mesh tank top that does a halfway decent job concealing my bologna nipples.
Walk up in the club like 'What up? I'm a 57 year old man and struggle to maintain an erection.'
Remember when you watched Silence of the Lambs with your parents and you had to pretend like you never tucked your penis between your legs?
Put away your wallet, sir. Your money's no good here. This bar only accepts polaroids of John Goodman's bare buttocks as a form of payment.
Life Hack: If you eat enough eggs, you'll eventually poop out a chicken.
Stand back while I play a remix of Snapbacks & Tattoos on my acoustic guitar and steal your girl.
Just putting the finishing touches on my erotic novel centered around a steamy love affair between Flo from Progressive and the Aflac duck.