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Yeah. I'm pretty sophisticated, girl. For instance, I only drink the finest Kraft beers.
*drops a pack of cheese in my pitcher of beer*
*picks up the phone and calls J.G. Wentworth. 877-CASH-NOW*
*asks to speak to Hope and Jobs*
Gary Busey stares at Burger King's menu for 45 minutes, then leans over the counter and whispers "Can I get two pairs of pants?"
I pull off my pants and you see that my penis is actually a Beanie Baby, but the Ty tag is gone so you throw it away because it's worthless.
Why should you let me date your daughter, sir? I'll show you!
*does my awesome sex moves on a beanbag chair*
"Get the fuck out of my house."
"Who wears short jorts?!"
*I emerge from the McDonald's ball-pit wearing short jorts and doing the Single Ladies dance*
I WEAR SHORT JORTS!
*leans too far back in my chair and starts to tip over*
*lands safely on two giant titties*
*you open your refrigerator & find me having sex with a vanilla Snack Pack*
*I look you in the eye*
You better not tell anybody about this.
*walks up to a cop who's on horseback*
Sup, Mr. Horse? Why the LONG face? Hahahahahahahahaha!!
*the cop tazes me for 20 minutes straight*
Excuse me, officer. I'd like to press charges against those rude ass teens who laughed at me when my cape got caught in the escalator.
Joe Biden sees a commercial for Virgin Airlines and spends the next 3 weeks giggling to himself.
Gimme 20 bucks, dad.
I'll tell mom you have naked photos of Tim The Tool Man Taylor hidden in the garage.
"Here. Take my wallet."
A pack of raccoons huddle around a small TV, watching Gone in 60 Seconds, and taking notes so they can steal a bunch of garbage trucks.
"That outfit looks corny as hell, son! Hahaha! You've got like zero swag!"
Dad, I'm about to have brain surgery. This is a hospital gown.
*mom walks into the kitchen and finds me hanging upside down from the pot rack*
[Batman voice] "Make me some pizza rolls."
One time, I fed Guy Fieri a shit ton of Ambien, then watched him eat a traffic cone sandwiched between two manhole covers.
Make sure you write your name on the bottoms of your feet so monsters can't steal them in the middle of the night.
You can get a free bottle of mouthwash if you drink the whole thing before the employees have you removed from CVS.
Paula Deen getting asked to leave Olive Garden because she won't stop simulating oral sex on the beadsticks.
I'm no scientist, but I'm pretty sure I can have sex with the microwave as long as I slip a Hot Pocket sleeve on my boner.