Kidnapping is such a strong word, I prefer to think of it as Surprise Adoption :)

It's all fun and games, until your significant other makes a Twitter account too.

Some of you look like the type to return a jigsaw puzzle to the store because its broken.

Whoever designed the Japanese flag is one lazy bastard.

#oneofmyfollowers spelling is worse than Stevie Wonder typing on an Iphone, w/ oven mits on, while horseback riding.

Her: Why haven't u called me? Me: I left you a message... Her: Really? Me: Yeah, when I didn't call, I thought you would've got the message.

I really love to read status updates like "I'm eating chips" & "I'm at work right now". Good stuff. Keepin me posted… Thanks… '_'

If I was trapped in a room w/ Nick Cannon, Bin Laden, & Hitler. Had 2 bullets & had to kill 2 ppl to get out, I'd shoot Nick Cannon twice.

I wonder if the Pope realizes that traveling around surrounded in 3 inch bulletproof glass, shows how much faith he really has in God.

You may call it the "Walk of Shame", I think of it as the "Stride with Pride".

When someone asks if you were trapped on deserted island & can only bring 1 thing, am I only one that answer is a boat?

Women who don't normally talk about sex, are usually the best at it.

I'm think I'm a bit passive aggressive. If you owe me money & never pay me back, I'll secretly break something of yours that's equal value.

When ppl go the extra mile to conceal the keypad as they enter their pin at the ATM, I always want to whisper, "I saw it" when they're done.

Just got an e-mail about an outstanding payment of mine. I don't remember making 1, but I'm glad they liked it so much.

Have a poster of Magic Johnson over my bed's ceiling. Not because I'm a fan but because it motivates me to get up & get a condom before sex.

Everyone regrets having kids that moment they walk into into a pitch black room & step on a Leggo barefoot.

I want a fat fiancé, that way I won't become disappointed later on in life.

I put my tool in her box, got a nut, then bolted.

Sometimes I'm condescending. Nevermind...you probably wont understand what that means.