(I) (overuse) (brackets) (because) (I) (don't) (want) (a) (single) (word) (to) (be) (left) (without) (a) (cuddle.)

Some song lyrics are so perfect that they make me want to write them out using a quill and then rub the piece of paper all over my face.

If I'm ever found dead in my bathtub, it wasn't suicide, it was just because I tried to shave my legs in a hurry.

A Facebook friend just checked into 'Love' with their girlfriend and what's that word for when you hope someone drowns in their own blood?

I think my bad back comes from trying to lift the troubles of the world without bending my knees sufficiently.

Don't get mad at Torvill and Dean, skaters gonna skate.

Let's all just be kinder to each other, for fuck's sake.

I'm going to start wearing rollerskates 24/7 so that it's easier for a man to sweep me off my feet.

I'm worried that being afraid of the dark makes me racist :(

I breathed in so much sunshine today that I think my lungs are gold plated now.

Dear sceptics, believing in nothing doesn't make you cleverer than us, it just means you miss all the unicorns. Love me and Mr Sparklehoof x

There's a spider in my bath. Don't worry, I told him what a cliché he is.

I think we need to invent a new word to replace 'cunt'. I've overused it so much it's hard to tell when I'm trying to be offensive anymore.

I'm keeping someone as a friend on Facebook purely so I can see how ugly their impending baby is.

I feel like I really understand the problems facing the NHS because I played a lot of Theme Hospital when I was younger.

Man up, Ed Sheeran, just man the fuck up.

I'd write something persuasive here but then there'd be no room for my 'hilarious' URL... http://t.co/kD08fUW

CAPS LOCK IS MY FAVOURITE KEY ON THE KEYBOARD.

11. Park Lane #teamtwins #25hours pic.twitter.com/kKaFNCCkaZ

@thusspokescott Happy birthday! Did Twitter give you lots of fawning lady followers as a gift? This bow and ribbon really suits me... x