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Is there a recruitment agency that specialises in jobs that don't gradually erode your soul until you're just an empty husk?
It's not that I don't love life, I'm just not *in* love with it.
I'm not bitter I'm just trying it on for size.
This morning I spilt mouthwash down me and didn't have time to change, so if you like a gal with a minty fresh cleavage I'm the one for you.
(I) (overuse) (brackets) (because) (I) (don't) (want) (a) (single) (word) (to) (be) (left) (without) (a) (cuddle.)
Some song lyrics are so perfect that they make me want to write them out using a quill and then rub the piece of paper all over my face.
I know you shouldn't play favourites with your legs but I definitely prefer the right one.
The light in my fridge is broken and I'm worried that the Babybels are afraid of the dark :(
If I'm ever found dead in my bathtub, it wasn't suicide, it was just because I tried to shave my legs in a hurry.
A Facebook friend just checked into 'Love' with their girlfriend and what's that word for when you hope someone drowns in their own blood?
I think my bad back comes from trying to lift the troubles of the world without bending my knees sufficiently.
I think my phone is broken, every time I save a guy's number in it they turn into a cunt.
Don't get mad at Torvill and Dean, skaters gonna skate.
Let's all just be kinder to each other, for fuck's sake.
I'm going to start wearing rollerskates 24/7 so that it's easier for a man to sweep me off my feet.
I'm worried that being afraid of the dark makes me racist :(
I breathed in so much sunshine today that I think my lungs are gold plated now.
Dear sceptics, believing in nothing doesn't make you cleverer than us, it just means you miss all the unicorns. Love me and Mr Sparklehoof x
There's a spider in my bath. Don't worry, I told him what a cliché he is.
Stop boasting greetings cards, I'm blank inside as well.