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Horse walks into a bar. Barman asks "Why the long face?" Horse replies "It developed 15 million years ago to help graze on lowland grasses."
Athletes at the Commonwealth Games in India have an emergency helpline number to call. The call centre is in Swansea. Seems only fair.
Somebody just asked me why I wasn't striking. I suggested it was probably a combination of poor genes and bad diet. #nov30
War Horse walks into a bar. Barman asks, "Why the long film?"
Policeman just pulled me over. 'Would you please blow into this bag, Sir'. I said: 'What for, Officer?'
He says: 'My chips are too hot'.
Text: If sex between 3 people is called a threesome, and between two people is a twosome, now I know why you're called handsome.
Carol on BBC's weather report was unnervingly accurate. Just went out in the wind and got knocked down by a fucking great white arrow.
Wimbledon. The only place outside of Thailand where it's ok to pull a couple of furry balls out of a girl's knickers.
At Starbucks watching a VERY pregnant woman in the shortest dress I've ever seen. I should see the head crowning any..minute..now...
"My wife's buying a house in Southern France." "Toulouse?" "No, just one, but there should be room for an en-suite."
Weather report warns of the danger of 'lying snow'. To be honest, I'm more worried about the mendacious frost and prevaricating wind.
Head of BBC News has obviously fucked off home already, leaving his pack of trained howler monkeys to screech on about the snow all day.
I can see why Lance Armstrong raced under the influence. I once cycled home after drinking 6 pints and smoking 10 fags. It was brilliant.
Jesus was born in late December, so God and Mary must have done it around St Patrick's Day. No wonder the Irish celebrate it. They KNOW.
Cycling is hard, you know. REALLY hard. It once took me 20 minutes to cycle home from Guildford. My fag went out FOUR TIMES.
The closest I've come to hiding money offshore is when I lost my wallet whilst on a caravan holiday in Pagham.
"Happy Christmas" is "Fröhliche Weihnachten" in German. It sounds altogether more "frolicky" doesn't it? The perverts.
Quite amusing actually - Miss Horwood, March 1979. You've been damned by that 'Quite' ever since, haven't you? - @chastity_flyte 2013. Avatar by @4eyes_