"This happened because you didn't clean your room" RT @washingtonpost How to talk to kids about the panda cub's death: http://t.co/67zXxxY4

@robdelaney Uh that's photoshopped bro. Nice try #not

.@damnitstrue Don't forget 5) I am a disgusting cultural landfill of a twitter account churning out nauseating platitudes day in & day out.

To everyone wandering around Boston taking photos of empty streets, remind me to never entrust you with very simple instructions.

Keep your Glenn Close and your Glennemies Closer

Just read that Atlantic Scientology ad & I don't really see what the big deal is & it made some interesting points & I'm a Scientologist now

Roses are red/ Violents are blue/ Happy Valentine's Day to you/ I love you/ Happy Valentine's Day

Do you guys know a good website for picking fights with complete strangers about politics and art and shit?

Just set my Spotify to private so I could listen to the Mr. Holland's Opus soundtrack and cry without anyone making a big deal out of it

I've been using Bioré strips for 2 months now and my teeth are no whiter than when I started

Pay me $15 & I will recreate the Baz Luhrmann experience for you by destroying your kitchen with an axe & blasting an air horn in your face.

101 Dalmatians + 12 Angry Men + Ocean's 11 + Seven Samurai + Fantastic Four + Three Amigos + Thelma & Louise = One hundred forty characters.

One time I hacked AP's twitter account and just posted actual breaking news for like 7 months. Nobody ever found out.

Constitutionally, if Bill Pullman plays the president in one more movie or tv series, he automatically becomes first in line of succession

No YOU'RE too early to be drinking rubbing alcohol and sending your ex-girlfriend Monica photos of cool looking fences

Everything Vampire Weekend can do The Unicorns did better

I'm engaged!.. in a wonderful conversation with a friend right now. I'm pregnant.. with emotion. I'm officially married to this type of humo

Say what you will about Ted Nugent's politics but his music and his politics are fucking terrible

I've been trying to teach my cat basic math for 3 years so don't lecture me about going confidently in the direction of my dreams, Thoreau

Don't do a twitter search for "Hugo Chavez google" if you want to feel good about people