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I drink to forget about the time I waved at someone who was waving to a person behind me
"Follow your dreams!" - rich people
if I am elected President, I will build a tall fence around Donald Trump
my cat is playing with her tail and I'm bored with a device that gives me access to infinite knowledge
oh. my. God. Becky. look at her inner beauty
Why can't plus-size models just be called models
American Horror Story: Cops
Every time I try to walk into an Anthropologie, the salesgirls smell my poverty and see my fat thighs and they beat me with brooms
Got any mustard to go with that sausage?
Show us your balls!
Get your ass in that garage and build me a deck
took the "Which Disney Princess Are You?" quiz and got Quasimodo
A near-death experience is just God butt dialing you
Birds do it, bees do it, even educated fleas do it. Let's do it. Let's live in a homeless man's beard.
Dylan owns 6 swords. To calculate how often Dylan has had sex, multiply the number of swords he owns by the number zero
do people who run know that we're not food anymore
90% of a relationship is figuring out where to eat
just found out what sex is. you guys are gross
SO VERY TIRED
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