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I drink to forget about the time I waved at someone who was waving to a person behind me
"Follow your dreams!" - rich people
my cat is playing with her tail and I'm bored with a device that gives me access to infinite knowledge
Every time I try to walk into an Anthropologie, the salesgirls smell my poverty and see my fat thighs and they beat me with brooms
Got any mustard to go with that sausage?
Show us your balls!
Get your ass in that garage and build me a deck
oh. my. God. Becky. look at her inner beauty
Birds do it, bees do it, even educated fleas do it. Let's do it. Let's live in a homeless man's beard.
Dylan owns 6 swords. To calculate how often Dylan has had sex, multiply the number of swords he owns by the number zero
just found out what sex is. you guys are gross
welcome to Olive Garden! when you're here, you're family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can't you be more like your sister
if cats could text I bet they'd respond with "K" a lot
took the "Which Disney Princess Are You?" quiz and got Quasimodo
That awkward moment when I tried starting a slow clap in the hospital after my uncle died.
WE ALL SCREAM
BECAUSE EXISTENCE IS TERRIFYING
90% of a relationship is figuring out where to eat
Drinking game: take a shot every time someone tweets about the election! (I've been dead for 6 hours)
happy birthday Earth sorry we destroyed u
bats are just birds who listen to The Cure
if you aren't at least 10 pounds overweight, you're basically blowing your nose with the American flag