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I drink to forget about the time I waved at someone who was waving to a person behind me
Got any mustard to go with that sausage?
Show us your balls!
Get your ass in that garage and build me a deck
Birds do it, bees do it, even educated fleas do it. Let's do it. Let's live in a homeless man's beard.
Dylan owns 6 swords. To calculate how often Dylan has had sex, multiply the number of swords he owns by the number zero
Drinking game: take a shot every time someone tweets about the election! (I've been dead for 6 hours)
Every time I try to walk into an Anthropologie, the salesgirls smell my poverty and see my fat thighs and they beat me with brooms
Live like you're allergic to people. Dance like you drank an entire bottle of Nyquil. Eat like you don't want to live
That awkward moment when I tried starting a slow clap in the hospital after my uncle died.
my favorite game is called "Secret Family." I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
90% of a relationship is figuring out where to eat
Don't ever trust girls. They will say anything to get you to suck their tits.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you're here, you're family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can't you be more like your sister
I've never been to Coachella but I once got drunk and passed out in an Urban Outfitters
CHEERIOS ARE MOUSE DONUTS
please RT or my family will be killed
TWITTER GIRLS: IF WE ALL SYNC UP OUR PERIODS, WE CAN DROWN THE INTERNET IN A RIVER OF BLOOD
What's YOUR Body Type?
F. pile of tires
you can tell how much someone hates people by how skilled they are at the self-checkout
B negative is my blood type and also my personal mantra
THE WOMAN IN THIS PORNO IS A MORON. HER PIZZA IS GOING TO BE COLD BY THE TIME SHE'S DONE HAVING SEX WITH THE DELIVERY GUY