God Fucking Damnit @netflix howsabout a little warning before you take Workaholics off of streaming? I had just 2 episodes to go. #UGH

A flashing yellow light IS NOT treated like a 4 way stop YOU FUCKING MORONS

Less than three weeks until my birthday and I still have no one to spank me.

I like that my mail is delivered directly to my front porch. #Memphis

I can literally see the pollen and leafy green things falling through the air. My nose is unamused.

Yes I will use my twitter feed to say positive things about/to myself. Got something to stay about it?

It's hard work to stay single. To make the conscious effort to remain alone. I'm gonna be proud of myself regardless of what the haters say.

Wisdom from my friends: "The other person was bad, right? I'm 100% good, right? Lets be in love, ok?"

James Marsters as Spike showing his ridic abs. Yummy. pic.twitter.com/cYasXYzrV2

"Nowadays we are all of us so hard up, that the only pleasant things to pay are compliments. They're the only things we can pay."-O. Wilde

Memphis cop w/ 4 kids killed in line of duty: $600k raised.

Domestic terrorists kill 3 runners: $28 MILLION raised.

We are a nation of assholes that won't bury the body of a suspected terrorist. F'ing ridiculous to be jerks in the name of national security

You wish you could go to the Zip City Auction with my dad. This is a lot of manhattan glass. It's all mine!! pic.twitter.com/v9gILkQBzv

I am "currently open to entertain offers from approved gentlemen callers." GET ON IT!

Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. -Tom Krause

Would this be ok if it said "how to wink at a jew" or "how to wink at a negro"?!?! pic.twitter.com/vPBncyWj5f

Way to go Tennessee! Yup, our county level officials really are THIS STUPID.  http://m.usatoday.com/article/news/2125953 … pic.twitter.com/xEhzMXqknf

It's the 1st of May but w/o a date the only outdoor fucking I'll be doing is if I plug my Hitachi into a heavy duty extension cord.

Breakfast of champions: chocolate milk and Nutter Butter creme patties. pic.twitter.com/FNOO00ilrJ

@rationalists at least the legislature couldn't pass "don't say gay"