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In my experience, the two most effective forms of birth control are my physical appearance and my personality.
I got 99 problems and Jay-Z is a nigger.
LOL at people in their 20s who have opinions.
Islamic sext: As I sharpen the razor in preparation for your female circumcision, you stare blankly at the screen because you can't read.
It's almost impossible to puncture a colostomy bag with a Capri Sun straw. If you're successful though, it tastes WAY better than Capri Sun.
My favorite sex tape is duct.
Only thing worse than mixing Ambien with alcohol is mixing it with eBay. Anyone wanna buy a Civil War chess set with poop stains on Grant?
I may have quit doing drugs, but I'll never quit calling my mom a cunt.
Remember ladies, if I rape you, the baby is a gift from God. But the vaginal fissures, psychological scars and gonorrhea are all from me.
I'm going through a mid no life crisis.
Hello, 911? Yes, I have a life threatening emergency, but I'd rather just die if you're gonna send an EMT with a sense of humor.
They say that humor skips a generation. Which is just ample evidence that all those abortions I've paid for are fucking hilarious.
The holocaust would have been way funnier if it really happened.
Cigarettes cost twice as much in Canada as they do in the USA, but some of them have pictures of dead babies on the pack so it's worth it.
Show me on yourself where he touched the doll.
Six stages of twitter:
1) I like this
2) I need this
3) This joke format
4) Ain't what it used to be
5) meh, better than FB