@iamnotdiddy's (iamnotdiddy™) most faved Tweets...
I have a staff infection and by "staff" I mean "stupid fucking people I work with" and by "infection" I mean "I hate them."
Lord: We're grateful that our families haven't found us on Twitter & that donkeys can't talk. That'd be embarrassing for many of us. Amen.
According to my grandpa, in the early 1900's, women did this thing with their mouth that men loved. It was called "shutting it the fuck up."
OH SHIT! I JUST rear ended a Prius! I hope the hypocrites inside didn't spill their Fair Trade Certified ™coffee on their ChildLabor™ Nikes.
Doctor: What are you doing? Me: Twittering. Doctor: Why? Me: One man should not have to bear the burden of your finger up my ass.
"Sir, unfortunately, "having a mullet" is not tax deductible... Yes, sir, even if it is solely used for business in the front."
It's important to note that I use the terms "my knee", "the midget" & "your mom" interchangeably. For instance, I banged my knee last night.
"Daddy, tell me about your first date with mommy." "Sure, son. We were at a bar... Hey, all you need to know is that it had a happy ending."
I decorated the Christmas tree with the kids today. They still haven't figured out how to get down. It looks gre... hold on... STOP CRYING!
I'm at Dick's Sporting Goods. Their Black Friday Sale was so HUGE and long that people are still coming.
It's times like this that Tiger Woods needs to reach deep down inside himself and ask the hard question, "What would Jon Gosselin do?"
"Daddy, what's a swinger's club?" "Son, that's where daddy goes to watch mommy give other men blow jobs. Pass the syrup, please."
"And THAT, son, is why texting and driving is illegal." "IS HE DEAD?!" "It doesn't matter, son. Hobos are only worth 10 points."
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