Why is "patience" a virtue? Why can't "hurry the fuck up" be a virtue?

I have a staff infection and by "staff" I mean "stupid fucking people I work with" and by "infection" I mean "I hate them."

I wrote a clitoritis joke. Sadly, I can't find it.

I decorated the Christmas tree with the kids today. They still haven't figured out how to get down. It looks gre... hold on... STOP CRYING!

I just watched Discovery's "How It's Made" and, honestly, I'm never eating another urinal cake again.

"Sir, unfortunately, "having a mullet" is not tax deductible... Yes, sir, even if it is solely used for business in the front."

You can text "̶̶̶E̶Y̶J̶A̶F̶J̶A̶.̶.̶.̶" "VOLCANO" to 9ÖÖÖ9 to donate a pronounceable word to Iceland.

According to my grandpa, in the early 1900's, women did this thing with their mouth that men loved. It was called "shutting it the fuck up."

I put the "sex" in dylsexic.

Typos are God's way of saynig, "You shoudln't be masturbating adn tweeting at the same time."

OH SHIT! I just ran over an emo kid! Quick! How do you tell if their dead on the outside, too?!

Lord: We're grateful that our families haven't found us on Twitter & that donkeys can't talk. That'd be embarrassing for many of us. Amen.

OH SHIT! I JUST rear ended a Prius! I hope the hypocrites inside didn't spill their Fair Trade Certified ™coffee on their ChildLabor™ Nikes.

Ideas are like sex. They come when you least expect it.

"And THAT, son, is why texting and driving is illegal." "IS HE DEAD?!" "It doesn't matter, son. Hobos are only worth 10 points."

Every time I see a girl I went to college with, I ask her if we had sex and we laugh and laugh and laugh and I welcome her to Walmart.

My ten year old made me pay him $10 to do the dishes, so I mugged him on his way to the bathroom because, you know, life lesson.

Doctor: What are you doing? Me: Twittering. Doctor: Why? Me: One man should not have to bear the burden of your finger up my ass.

My manhood is slowly getting ripped from my heart. Or, in "layman's terms", I'm doing dishes.

It's important to note that I use the terms "my knee", "the midget" & "your mom" interchangeably. For instance, I banged my knee last night.