@iamnotdiddy's (iamnotdiddy™) recently faved Tweets...
Livetweeting the zoo is a rich person's equivalent to livetweeting a trip to Walmart, so confession time... I'm not rich. I was at Walmart.
Pro Tip: If you aren't prepared to explain the birds & the bees, cougars, or moobs, don't go to the zoo on the first day of spring.
"Apparently, son, the first day of spring is when they open the tramp stamp & muffin top exhibits at the zooOMG THEY'RE ATTACKING MY EYES!"
"Sir, masturbation is only permitted in First Class. Please put your pants on and… no… you keep the napkin, sir."
#ff @moegreeb, @markusbrutus & @sucittaM: three guys I'd have a menage a trois with... wait... what? That's a menage a quatre? My bad.
7
"Sir, we need you to turn off the sound on your computer. Ron Jeremy's love slaps are getting the other nursing home residents excited."
My last tweet had a typo. This tweet has a typo. My next tweet will have a typo. It's the rule of trees.
"Exuse me, stewardess. How many frequent flyer miles to upgrade to The Mile High Club?"
"Go fuck yourself."
"Wait. Does THAT count?"
"Go fuck yourself."
"Wait. Does THAT count?"
"What's March Madness?"
"Well, son, it's when an unranked college team determines if you're going to Yale or community college. Good luck!"
"Well, son, it's when an unranked college team determines if you're going to Yale or community college. Good luck!"
"Delta Gets You There" and by "There" they mean "5 airports in 3 days and still not home" and by "You" they mean "fuck my life".
The lady at the bar just asked the other lady at the bar what a 'B.L.T.' was. Dumbass. Everyone knows it's a 'Banana Lentil Tofu' burrito.
They won't let out plane take off because of a "weight & balance" issue, which is passive-aggressive for "People, you are too Kevin Smith."
The TSA employees at New York airports are super nice. When I told them who I was, they upgraded me to a complimentary rectal exam.
"Dad, what's a 'tickle fight'?"
"So, you know when you walked in on me and the mailman and I said, "Don't tell mom."? Yes? Ok. That."
"So, you know when you walked in on me and the mailman and I said, "Don't tell mom."? Yes? Ok. That."
People watching in New York City is aweso... hold on... Hey, Leonardo DiCaprio! I saw your career and dignity over on Park Avenue!
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