I'm not racist. If I had any friends, I'm sure some of them would be black.

Where are your balls in relation to the wall?

Guy: "You have nice tits." Me: "Thanks, you too!"

I need to work on my compliments.

This is a really nice hotel. I can see the TV while sitting on the toilet. Fancy!

If the opportunity to skinny dip in a vat of tartar sauce presents itself, I will take it.

Two pump white mocha: my Starbucks order and my ex-boyfriend's nickname.

I was prepared to act indignant when the cashier carded me for the wine, but then she didn't. Bitch.

It is a shopping mall, not the fucking Louvre. Keep moving, people!

Thoughts during massage: DON'T FART DON'T FART DON'T FART did I shave DON'T FART DON'T FART DON'T FART

Men, don't say "that sucks dick" in a negative way. Suggest subliminally that it is a GOOD thing. "I won the lottery? That sucks dick!"

A piece of sandwich fell down the front of my shirt at work. Fetching it out wouldn't have been classy, so I asked my boss to motorboat me.

Finger-shaped bruises on my hips, or the sex didn't happen.

I saw a girl at the mall wearing a Guess t-shirt. I said 34 B.

"You know, you aren't so bad." - best compliment I've received this year.

My vagina sealed up from non-use. I'm like a fucking Barbie doll down there.

Does my hacking cough count as abdominal exercise? I'm going to be so fit!

Remember when I wrote that funny tweet? That was awesome.

It is not possible to go down on a woman while wearing a sombrero.

He is 28 and I am 38. 28 is almost 30, and I am in my 30s, so we are basically the same age. I am not a cougar.

I peek under the stalls before I start pooping at work to make sure I’m alone. What if someone else did the same thing at the same time?