"Would you like anything else with your bucket of nuggets, sir?" the drive thru speaker asked. "To be loved" I whispered, "to be loved".

"Well, that was pointless." - Gay sperm.

Wanna fix the fiscal cliff? Legalize marijuana. It won't really fix it but we wouldn't care as much.

When they teach you CPR, they never tell you what to do if the victim is super ugly.

First rule of telepathy club:

The car ahead of me has a 'Just Married' sign on the back. It's fucked up that we live in a society where cars can marry before gays.

Spent the last 2 hours whispering "here comes the tickle monster!" to the people that were bench pressing weights at the gym.

Do NOT walk onto a Southwest airplane and yell "SHOTGUN" if you want a front row seat. Lesson learned.

The cool thing about twitter is how you can have thousands of followers and still die after falling in the shower without anyone noticing.

I hate it when vegetarian women look at me like I'm a piece of meat.

I would watch a reality show that was nothing but footage from Walmart's security cameras on Black Friday.

I like to find lost kids, teach them Karate, and enroll them in tournaments. Then, as they climb the stage, I whisper "I don't know Karate."

I hate it when people call me a party pooper. It was like 5 years ago and I had some bad tacos, let it go!

Tonight I'm playing hard to get off the sofa.

4 out of 5 dentists recommend that I wear pants for my next appointment.

I don't mean to brag but I sound A LOT like the Cookie Monster when I go down on a lady.

When I said that I want to fuck you like an animal, I was mostly referring to the fact that animals don't cuddle afterwards.

I like to party like it's 1999. Alone in the closet, holding a pistol and surrounded by canned chili, awaiting Y2K.

I've been writing this 'Congratulations on your newborn' card for the past hour and all I've got so far is "I'm so sorry.."

I call my penis Jon Hamm because everyone jokes about it :(