Hey, dude in the Hummer with all the chrome, the lights, and the crazy rims...

Sorry about your penis.

One in three Americans weigh as much as the other two.

If Dane Cook was a font, he would be Sans Comic.

When i think about this world, I worry for the children.

Well, your children anyway - I've given mine guns.

Wife is home soon, i will pour her some wine and put on some music...

That way she will have something to do while i play XBox.

Facebook is actually useful if you look at it as a way of keeping in touch with friends that don't know how to use the internet.

Wife did that thing with her tongue this morning.

The one where she drinks the last of the coffee, pokes it out at me and leaves the house.

Don't worry if you can't come up with a Rapture joke, its not the end of the world.

The problem i found in Utah was trying to set my watch back 40 years.

Please, shut up about Lost.

If I wanted a ridiculous arc in a storyline I would read The Bible.

Business Idea:

A gym that charges by the day you DON'T use it.

Need to sort your bitches from your ho's?


There's a rap for that.

'Aunt Flo' is not 'paying a visit'.

You're having your period and I'm hiding the fucking knives.

Neighbours daughter is having singing lessons.

Simply put, she has the voice of an angel.



Being strangled.

Me: "Baby, I'm sorry i'm late back."

Her: "Ok. You're dinner is in the oven."

M: "Cool. What is it?"

H: "Salad."

My Google joke is still in beta. I will not provide any support, and will continue to be very vague about when punchline will actually work.

Am i the only person seeing the irony in the title "Final Destination 4"?

Hard work never killed anyone.

Assuming you discount slavery, industrial accidents, long term stress and the occasional fascist dictator.

I just duct taped an extra blade on my seven blade Gillette because, quite frankly... i'm more manly than you.

Yes. In the UK we do have a socialist health system -particuly if you define "Socialist" as not letting people die because they are poor.