My 18-yr-old is actually quite obedient, as long as I only tell him to roll his eyes or wear his pants down below his ass.

Words with WHAT Friends??

Does this mean that corporations are descended from apes?

Remember Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday? Those were the days...

Ignorance about favstar gaming techniques = satisfaction of knowing my starred tweets are genuinely appreciated. Thanks for reading

Clad in a bear pelt, you shiver in a damp cave, a useless blackberry in your hand. You use it to scratch an image of steve jobs on a wall.

"sorry, had to step away from twitter for a bit to go to the can" - no one, ever, apparently

Which trisomy is Twitter again?

I write poetry for motel chains

If you visit the Escher Museum, use the elevator

If 90% of your tweets are about twitter/favstar, how's the weather up there, you know, up your own ass?

My windows bring all the baseballs to the yard

when you take the long view, your life is an unboxing video, and the product is disillusionment

You have chosen one (1) qty of ☑ crippling disillusionment. Add to your cart now? Y / N

If only the Apple people hadn’t set up a store in Eden we wouldn’t be in this mess

Who hasn't felt the urge to yell I AM THE GOD OF HELL FI-YAH!! after getting a fire going in the fireplace? (Answer: women)

ahh, doing things without irony *sighs nostalgically*

sext: a homo sapiens copulates with a neanderthal by torchlight under a bison frieze in a cave. little is spoken

in rat prison a rat who rats out another rat is called a human by the other rats, and may be stabbed with a sharpened plastic spoon #Fact

If at first you don’t succeed, point fingers IMMEDIATELY