Ladies, treat swallowing like we treat your cooking... it may not always taste the best, but we still eat it anyway.

There's no wrong way to eat a reeses, but there is a wrong way to eat that banana dude.

Ramen and Kool-Aid for lunch, because I don't want people asking me to borrow money and shit.

Guys always dream of fucking twins, right? I don't understand why anyone would want to fuck Danny Devito & Arnold Schwarzenegger.

.... the lesbian reach around, also known as 'the tuna helper'....

I eat pussy, so yes, I would eat the FUCK out of an Arby's roast beef sandwich right now.

If I cross a line, let's sit down and talk about what an asshole you're being.

Just got a raise at work! Now I can finally afford that full tank of gas I'm always telling everyone about!

Listening to my co-workers talk about World of Warcraft makes me glad I'm too busy getting laid to worry about things like that.

If she has to call in from work the next day, you're doing it right.

Last night was the worst night of drinking! I tried a Diet Coke, and seriously guys, that stuff is disgusting.

If I ever offend anyone, I immediately let them know they can dry their tears on my salty meatbag.

"We can help Save You. We'll set you up on a weekly payment plan." - Churches

The keys to my success? I don't know. They're probably gonna be in the last place I look for them though.

Talking about how douchey your friends are on FB means you're on there too, right? Just checking.

You can do it, those Mexicans over there can probably help- The Holmes Depot

Its always a good idea to give advice when people don't ask for it, and more importantly, when you don't know what you're talking about.

A midget dressed as a peg-legged pirate just walked into this IHOP and ordered a short stack...

there's gotta be a joke in there somewhere.

Every guy has a 'get this bitch quick' scheme.

Last night the wife wanted it rough, told me to give her 8 and make it hurt. So I fucked her twice and punched her in the back of the head.